Out Of Control

i'm a walking piece of lard.

2009-11-13T01:04:00.000-08:00

i hate myself. though im blessed with such enticing indulgence to the weird and fantasy-like fiction that is pure nonsensical to the normal layman's effort of understanding the disturb and deliberately enchanting nuisance that is myself, i am seriously and hypothetically am not in the least bothered with such bombastic and endearing revenue that seeks the pleasure of reveal to the human eye. seriously, i am weird.

and thats where hate comes in.

they say scorpios have the knack of languishing the long and committed relationship once it was thrust to it, but me? no. i tend to be adventurous and in turn hurt people in the process. adopting the heck-care attitude won't work in this case as it might will and eventually be hurting me. hurting the people i love which in turn, hurts me. notice the cruel cycle?

whatever it may seem or be, it seems despicable and diabolical of me to do such inept things in such impulsive manner to a course of disheveling the facade that has for years been the fort of such expressive yet sweet manner of mine. for goodness sake, betraying the mask that has faithfully serves me well for as many relationships that yet may very well be the cornerstone of such wonderful yet intriguing ships that came my way.

guess who's back

2009-10-14T21:22:00.000-07:00

yes.

i can finally say this. i'm back.

though not on a permanent basis. shyt. i hate it.

no internet line at home. sis been hogging it for the past 2 years. have to put up with the craps. i mean. its bad enough that there isnt any internet-wall-cable thingy in my room.

my sister is happy at my expense. pft. who wouldnt.

got a lot going on. just finish ns.

yes. finally. no more going to duty. be it day or night.
though i kinda miss it.

adjusting to life now. just got a job. how ironic. got out of a "job". n i got a job now.
strange. n laughable.

i would like to dedicate this to Yayat.

bro, i miss u terribly. not a day pass by that im not tinking of u. it came to a point that each time i got a col or msg on my hp, it was u i was hoping. yes. that bad. how i wish u were here. we can hang out n chill with flame. tok cock. as always.

i still rmbr the time we were at ur staircase landing near ur home. u came out with this big pot of instant mee. dry noodles with the works. n 3 forks. for me, u n flame. and we ate n tok n just enjoy each other's company. true bromance. haiz.

come home soon.

im attached now.

a new gal. Rosila Ayu.

hold on to ur horses ppl. she is gonna be it.

the post which never is

2008-02-16T23:55:00.000-08:00

theres this thing that happened not long ago. and i must say, its the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone.

i am confuse. in the mix up. on the fence. its hurting. yes, it does. with its pointy sharp gates having a ball, feasting on my rear. i dont blame it. its my fault. i deserve it. i ought to be put on a stake and be exhibitioned infront of a sell out crowd and be scrutinised from head to toe while slowly enduring the pain and suffering of that once polished butt of mine being humiliated and staked. how excruciating and delightfully exciting.

i love them. yes. but why must it come to this? i dun blame fate. i dun blame life. i dun blame anything or anyone. its me. i did that. i did all of it on my own. my choice. my own wants. and needs. and they are suffering because of me. i should have done it a long time ago. leave them. free to make their own choices. never want to exploit their decisions with my ways. i noe i am different. i noe i drive u all crazy. up the walls and into the ceiling. yes i make that heart of yours pump blood more faster than anyone. annoys you with my antics. and on top of all that, i love you all like no one else did. i make a difference in your life. as you all have done to me.

why?

i should never be in love.

why this happen?

2008-01-17T04:14:00.000-08:00

the day is 17th of january
17 days has pass since the new year
a new revolution
a new lease on life
yes
i have completed my BRT

it has been months since the last entry. i noe. why has it been so long. sigh. i have no time. seriously. not that i have nothing to type. i do. lots. from family. to love. to friends and shits. i don't think one entry will be enough. but still. heres a start.

60-odd days in the BRTC. Basic Rescue Training Centre. Jalan Bahar. where young men became adults. independants. keeping fit. yes. i was from the BP squad. the obese lots. the overweight kids. the ones you shun during secondary schools. the one in TAF clubs. yes. i'm all that. i was ashame in the beginning. to be in the mix of these hopeless kids. kids who are on the other side of the healthy lifestyle. but i was wrong. dead wrong. i was happy. yes. not for the fact that i'm the fittest of the fat lots. but for the fact that they are normal human beings. they speak normal human languages. and they treat you like normal human beings. i feel at home.
Platoon 1. Vipers. 35 guys. individuals. every single one with different backgrounds and upbringings. came together for one solid reason. lose weight. yes. 13 weeks of heaven and hell. together. as a platoon. as a team. i would like to take this time to thank each and every one of those brothers of mine for their relentless support and encouragement through this hellish time. thank you.

i am in the middle. the fence that is. yes. i have no biasness in me. i cant choose sides. thats how terrible and horrible this feels. for all i know, i wanna leave. just walk out. not sitting on it. the fence. its painful. to the posterier. for once. i would like to have some peace and serenity. yes. serenity. in the form of a justifiable answer. but then. who knows what would be the outcome of this failed decision making answer. i have no qualms about it. but as i lay there with nothing on my mind. it gets to me. yes. crawls. slowly and as it creeps unsteadily and unhastily to that channels of thought. it will bleed. it will bleed. like an overflowing sink. with an irregular matter choking and stuck within the system. virus. yes. and thus it do spread. like a cobweb. nay. bacteria feasting on the flesh of a failed skin scraped from a useless human bone. no muscle. no meat. just flesh.

i love her.

update

2007-10-02T06:32:00.000-07:00

alrite.

heres the deal. haven been updating much.

im attached now. yes. Nadiah. 07/09/07.

i love her.

loss of a great one

2007-08-21T02:36:00.000-07:00

i'm at a loss of word ever since the passing of my grandad on Sunday night. 10.33pm to be exact.
he is my late mum's dad. im sadden by it. real bummer. i can never describe how horrible i felt.

am not continuing this post.

Haji Aziz bin Hassan (05/05/1930-19/08/2007)
may he rest in peace.

face doth betray

2007-08-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

alright, heres the skinny. ive been slotted into the office. doing some stuffs that seems unfamiliar and alien to my current daily routine. mind blowing and in a sense, a culture shock. well. not so shock to my culture as ive been in this line before. reception that is. well, that is way back. yes. way back in 2002. 5 years. my, how time flies like the Darling kids from that tale of Peter Pan.

spending time at MOS. ministry of sound. how redundant of me looking back at how i thought it is some kind of parliament-like cabinet with a drive to communicate with the young through songs and hidden agendas in its repertoire. its a club. period. enough bout that. the smoove to the arena to that retro-like room. its mind-blowing. my first taste of grinding. yes. you could say i enjoy it like the rest of my hot-blooded species. let me tell you abit about Sheila.

her name is Sheila. she wore a green spaghetti strap top complete with a pair of skinng jeans. she got a nice hip that compliments her fleshy exterior. her hair is short. not that short though. just enough to tie it up in a nice yet sexy kind of way. anyways, she was with a fren. i didnt notice her at first. was dancing behind her friend before she came into view. from her moves, i say she is an experienced clubber who have the knack of shaking her junk to the groove of the music. so i got behind her and was moving to the rhythm of the beat. close enough. she turn her head and i just smile. from there, i thought i should just move away. she smile and with her free hand, took my hand and put it on her tummy and started grinding me. i was like. yes. in heaven.

then she turn. our face met. damn. she got a sweet smile that compliments her small yet bright eyes. i loike. then the music went ballistic and she leans forward to kiss me. i pull back and said no no no. i love to play hard to get. drives them wild. she tries again and i did just that. after a long while, she just put her hand to the back of my head and just pull my head to hers. then we kiss. man, her tongue is god-send. she really knows how to play tonsil hockey. for once in my life. i felt embarrased. and we smile.

then, theres Julia. she was with her two frens. i kept looking at her while they were dancing on their own. and her face really stands out. that fierce scowl complete with that long straight hair of hers. i am moved. i love her graceful moves. damn. then i went to her. yes. i dance infront of her and started grinding. she was there to return my every moves. this girl is up to mark, i thought. for a long time, i hold on to her. my frens went off for a smoke with her friends and as she wasnt a smoker, she stays wit me. one of her fren remarked before exiting. it still rings in my ear. "behave eh." then she turn to me and we started again. i can never forget that smile on her face. where are you, Julia?

am i betraying what i am preaching?
am i doing something to my interest?
am i just bored with life?
am i happy?

why must you kept me in the dark all this while?

why must this end?

why?

i love you..

plain white tee

2007-08-08T01:49:00.000-07:00

i love white tees. yes. those fair. innocent. virgin colour. the way it compliments my dark skin. i just love it. may sound cheesy. a bit gay. who cares. i look good in it. yes. i have plenty of white polo tee. and i choose white over other colours. well. maybe perhaps black. can never pass off black. they are me.

I LOVE *TOOT*

why why why

2007-07-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

days pass real fast for me. i don't have the intention anymore. urge. no more. not this time. drag myself out of bed. getting clean up. dressed. for work. shorts and some t shirt if im stationed at changi cargo complex. other than that. its just smart casual with pants. dark pants. black. nay. they say blue. dark blue. navy. who cares? i do. i think im going bill. yes. colour blind. when you don't know what they are. shades. contrast and hues. end of the day. its the same thing. the same kind of shade. same kind. colour. im fixed.

cant say the same for whats been going on in life. it has been a blur. open close. close open. before i knew it. before anyone knows it. its getting near. yes. my freedom is coming to a close. end. the government is calling. i have a job. permenant, to say the least. 730 days (731 days if one is a leap year.) to wait hand and foot for the country. yes. it needs me. it wants me. though it don't. defending the country. after close to 21 years of enjoying fresh air and stress-free lifestyles, i'm gonna trade it with damn messy equipments. goodbye adolescent years. hello world. hope they are ready for me.

why must i be in this position? i noe very well the situation. and i still chose to be in the mix. why? because i'm a fool. yes. i follow my damn heart and where it leads? self-destruction. i'm on the verge of it. its eating me up inside. like a cancer. spreading. wildly. must i continue? i am not myself anymore. i'm Star's sense of Rejection. second fiddle. the third guy.

"...i've never been the type...break up a happy home but...theres something bout babygirl i just can't leave alone..."

solutions?

Pardon the pun

2007-07-11T07:02:00.000-07:00

i am typing this from my PSP console. yes. i own one and beginning to reap the fruits of my labour. literally.

i finish the essay. damn it. it is long. 800-odd words. all about my feelings and the shits and pain that been through. come to think of it, i kind of enjoy it. honest. in their absence, i wouldn't be here. k. i know. my ironic side began to act up.

end.

2007-07-08T05:26:00.000-07:00

yes. finally got to open this shitty page. after weeks of hiatus.

went to O Bar last night. with Suhaidah. of all people. yes. my friend of 5 years. that long. way back from VJ Times. that shitty outlet. yes. many came, and many went. but she held on. we were best of friends. sharing the good times and bad. funny how things between us started. try as we might to lost touch, but cant.

anyways, it was already midnight when me, Suhaidah, and her friends arrived there. it was packed. jam packed. hot. the heat is getting to me. honestly, this bar is like a can of sardine. you get my point. then it starts. my song came on. yes. that irresistable beat. "...won't do but i can't help it.." i was dancing and grooving as her friends led us to the back. yes. i cant help but move my white velcro dancing shoes. somehow, this song kinda reminds me of Faeza. moving on.

those NS guys really push the limit. i was somewhat piss. heres the scenario. i was dancing with Suhaidah n her 3 friends. they came, pushing and shoving. and almost tip Suhaidah over. thats not dancing. i held a hand to that idiot's back and push him while glaring intently at his other monkey colleagues. they meekly back away. and it didn't spoil my mood though. her friends are definitely hot. tragically, all 3 are married. (read: DAMN!)

this is the song of the moment. yes. i love this song. it really reflects on what i am feeling and going through right now with that girl. haiyoh. why, Ne-Yo? why?

Won't do but i can't help it,
i love the way it feels.
This got me stuck between my fantasy,
and what is real.
I need it when i want it,
i want it when i don't.
Tell myself i'd stop everyday,
knowing that i won't.

I got a problem and i..
don't know what to do about it.
Even if did i don't know,
if i would quit but i doubt it, i..
Taken by the thoughts of it..

And i know this much is true..
Baby, you..
Has become my addiction..
I'm so strung out on you..
I can't barely move..
But i like it..

And it's all because of you..
(All because of you..)
And it's all because of you..
(All because of you..)
And it's all because..
(Never get enough..
She's the sweetest drug..)

Think of it every second,
i can't get nothing done.
Only concern is the next time,
i'm gonna get me some.
No i should stay away from,
cos its no good for me.
I try and try but my obsession,
won't let me leave.

I got a problem and i..don't know what to do about it.
Even if did i don't know,
if i would quit but i doubt it, i..
Taken by the thoughts of it..

And i know this much is true..
Baby, you..
Has become my addiction..
I'm so strung out on you..
I can't barely move..
But i like it..

And it's all because of you..
(All because of you..)
And it's all because of you..
(All because of you..)
And it's all because..
(Never get enough..
She's the sweetest drug..)

Ain't no doubt..
(No doubt..)
So strung out..
(Strung out..)
Ain't no doubt..
(There ain't a thing about it..)
So strung out..
(Hey..)

Only you...
Only you...
(You...)
Only you...
(You...)

Because of you..

And its all because of you..

And its all because..

Never get enough..
She's the sweetest drug..

She's the sweetest drug..

to that girl

2007-06-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

i have a friend. he has this crush. nay. somewhat more-than-just-friends kind of feeling towards this girl. his friend. they have been close. though under certain circumstances he felt bad doing so. why is this so, i ask. the girl is with someone. nay, belongs to someone. no. shouldnt have use that. in layman's term, the girl has a boyfriend. that leaves my friend devastated. but for a while. as time went by, he tend to see the light in that so called unholy matrimony between him and the girl. yes. a bright one. he gets more than he ask. he wins. yes. he wins her trust. her loyalty. her undying sarcasm jokes. he wins her smile. he wins all that. her heart.

my friend may be upset with the way things are going. especially when the girl's boyfriend don't even treat her right. i mean. its totally ludicrous. the unfairness of someone. to a point where she yearns for something she don't need to. attention. just a glance. a smile. an acknowledgement. love. a guy to be there for her. honesty, love and a friend. my friend has shown her all that.

but theres something about her that my friend can't look away. the eyes. and that smile. it lights up his world. shone brightly. my friend loves her. my friend loves her.

i am my friend.

Ministry of Sock

2007-06-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

theres something that has been bugging me for awhile. how in the world can a person be happy without being happy? yes. a contradictory question. irony at its best. yet again. come to think about it. i have been ironic in my posts as of late. reason being?

in a fix. not knowing what to do. stuck. would that person be a) pack up and leave or b) stay and wish for the best? your take. my opinion?

no one wants change. different stages. different atmosphere and situations. everyone would want the things as they are now. fear? lazy? thats the kind of thing human beings tend to lean on as they rode the rollercoaster of life. heck.

went clubbing the other day. fun? yes. music? blaring and toxicating. drinks? nah, not even a sip. thats right. i'm no drinker. i dance, i leap, i gyrate. all possible movements there is to describe the chilling yet astounding moment. yes. there are lots and lots and lots of HOT girls. i emphasise the HOT because of their dresses and the way they move. they really know how to burn the dance floor. i smile. a girl caught my eye. we make eye contacts. swords a-fighting. a smile broke out. and the smoke machine went ballistic.

to my rabbit. have a wonderful day ahead. do tyke care of your health. its tough as it is. i know how messed up it can be when you're not being cared and all. i feel you. just so you know, there are people out there who do care bout you. right there. under your nose.

i hate this more than you

2007-06-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

yes. finally. after all this while. i use to punch my com. the cpu most of the times as and when this happens. you see. it cant load this page rendering me access. that truly explains my "gone case" for the last couple of weeks. my deepest apologies. im back now. hopefully.

the mind has been something i have been trying to fathom for the past few weeks. months or so. as and when i have something to say, this com fucked up. my bp com. not hougang com. lost? read on. furthermore, whenever it is accessible, i have nothing. surely there must be some thorough explanation on this so-called weird phenomena that has been going around for quite some time. wait. writer's block, duh~!

i miss my wu gui. i miss my ziqa. i miss my cheeky yaya.
three different girls. three different personality.

no prize for guessing who i miss most. :)

finally

2007-06-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

yes. its been that long. one week. two weeks. more. yes. i tried updating my blog but i can't. my home. can't. that day. on a saturday. tried loading the page. waited. and i do. slept through with the com still on. still loading the page. morning came. the sun rise. the rays bathe my room. switch on my monitor. and there it is. still there. loading. and loading. i kick my damn cpu. and the screen fade to black. the scene and literally.

i am totally confuse now. my mind is literally spinning. yes. like a dancer on a dance floor. a ballet dancer in the midst of a performance. am facing a forked road. left and right. east and west. the point where i have to make a decision. and to not regret. to be happy. or not. to be loved. or not. anyone in their right mind will choose the former. but i don't know. its damn difficult.

opinion?

i miss my friend.
i gave her a teddy for her birthday.
its not much.
i know.

at least it will take care of her when she is alone.

i hope.

requeim

2007-05-12T20:03:00.000-07:00

k this is a special poem.

for my ex-girlfriend, Haziqa.

yes, i miss her.

i never thought,
this separation would.
make me realise,
the importance of this route.

yes we had some fun,
and even shed some tears.
the finest moment was,
having you right here.

you never gave me hope,
not once open the door.
i tried with different ways,
even dropping to the floor.

i strive with my belief,
one day i'll win you over.
with trust and overwhelming love,
you're mine, now and forever.

what is it?

2007-04-29T08:42:00.000-07:00

cough. that feeling which overtakes you. yes. feeling. sickness. down with it. the momentum has been swayed back and forth. gyrating of the human bodies. germs flew. all directions. north south. east west. came again. cough cough. yes. i am sick. am feeling this way for quite some time. a week or so. yes. coughing. feverish. the spinning of the world. headaches. all of this combination. life's shitty combo. with a side order. like a meal. extra value. extra pain. nonetheless, have to overcome this. ciggy?

its been awhile. yes.

have you ever wonder if there's life after death? religiously, everyone has their beliefs. i'm not gonna dwell in that. i have been thinking. yes. my head hurts from it. what if there's more to it. more to death. like a passage to a known world. and where do we go from there. being judged? facing God? i wonder.

they say there are millions of universe. multi-verse. uni is one. galaxies? more. solar systems? definitely more. planets? God more. life?

Beyonce. swinging to the tune of Deja Vu. i hate that song. i hate Beyonce. as i hate Jay-Z. and don't get me started with Shakira. that mute human depends on her looks and seductive moves to make money. cold hard cash. yes. she can't sing. thats my opinion. period. the only thing that makes her stand out against the rest of the so-called singers are her hips. and they don't lie. right?

Tyra Tyra Tyra. what's up with her? trying to be like Oprah? comforting broken female spirit? crying openly? boost ratings perhaps. watch one of her episodes recently. she make everyone wore red one piece swimsuit. like her. different women, different sizes. yes. more skins. but she looks fantabulous. more better. everyone has numbers on the front of their bosoms. reflecting their weight. in the beginning, she told them to wear the numbers proudly. by the end of the show, she makes them took off the numbers and throw it away while chanting: "So what?!" i mean seriously, talk about contradictory. its everywhere. in the show. she says one thing but ends up doing another thing. she was on the cover of some popular magazine recently and she made one of her employee go downtown and ask the layman's opinions on her pictures. i was taken aback. shock. seriously upset. damn it. Tyra, you know you're gorgeous. but why must be so full of yourself??? thats seriously f word. that whole title of being America's First Black Model has seriously gone to that bitch ass head of hers. i pity you, Tyra. i really do.

i love Oprah.

lost

2007-04-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

have you ever wonder? the guy who sits in one corner. not doing anything. oblivious to the surrounding. quiet. deep in thought. lost in thought. everyone who is everyone ignoring his presence. on days, he would be taunted. names being called. insulting. hitting home. he would just stay that way. holding back tears. yes. droplets. uncountable. to the extend that he would be having a breakdown. but he won't. yes. he would shy away. stay away. left in his corner. one day. just one day. he would snapped. he would do something drastic. yes. a spree. a killing spree. shooting everyone and everything in sight. not caring. not anymore. they have a chance to prevent all this. yes. no. had a chance. they lost it. losing the grip of it all. now they are left in a pool of blood. theirs. and the guy who they taunt and left to solitude is standing above their bodies. broken. snapped. thoughts running through their head. a smile broke out. not a happy one. a wicked yet cunning one. and he lift that handgun once more. to his temple. bang.

i have to do it. yes. i hate it. i hate doing this to you. but i have no choice. i can't pretend to be happy all the time knowing this situation is getting out of hand. yes. you did say i shouldn't have been doing this. you warned me. yes. i noe. i tried talking my way out of this too. you think i want this to happen as much as you do? no. this sucks. things could have been different if you told me before. but its too late. yes. haiz.

ground breaking

2007-04-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

shocking. surprising. thats make the two of us. yes. two. me and her. she was shocked. i was shocked. never really expect that to happen. looking back, i didnt realise it. but she makes it so simple. so sweet. so short. no pun intended. but the way she emphasise it. even a deaf person can hears it. yes. she admit to me. a chuckle. a giggle. yes. finally. i call her bluff. after all these weeks. spot on. she likes me. i smile.

my life

2007-04-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

am sitting at the edge of the bed. my cousin's bed. yes. and typing this post. with a runny nose. weak joints and sore legs. i just came home from work. yes. my daily routine. have to be up by 6.30am. to the bathroom i go. teeth'a'brushing. yes. i love my teeth. kept them white and shining as possible. then off to my uncle's lorry. yes. a white one. then off to send my aunt. his wife. my mum's sister. yes. she works at a nursery. with little kids. toddlers. TOD-DEL-LERS. yes. thats how a Singaporean pronounce our small yet manipulating little angels. pick up his fren. and we're off. yes. to work. be it rain or shine. right on time. maybe a bit late. but still. yes. i am a workaholic. i bled and i shed tears.

i laugh whenever i watch that commercial. yes. a woman. clad in a white shirt. that face. i laugh. yes. i did. laugh at that bitch. with her rotting teeth. pus growing from within. acknowledging the fact that she's having cancer. haha. i laugh. and there. in that precise moment. when the camera zooms out from her ever-decaying mouth. she admits to the world. yes. "QUITTING IS HARD. NOT QUITTING IS HARDER." haha. seriously. look at yourself in the mirror. statistics gone wrong. yes. here. what we have is something off the chart. yes. if they can show that on tv. what's next? a flight of pigs? zooming across our once peaceful sky? i laugh. she's a girl. yes. how many female smokers out there? you? no. heavy smokers. the one who smokes 3 packs a day. yes. there are a few men who does that. back to the question. are there? no? case close.

i'm not like who i use to be. i change. people do. yes. but its different this time. i remember how i used to be all cheerful. yes. i was that extrovert. that jovial kind of person. bubbly and at times, would rant endlessly. i am like 7-11. never stop. never close. yes. call me what you want. i was just that. yes. i would show off my dimple and smile to every girl i saw. yes. being frenly. but not this time. it changes. i notice a few girls. i would just show them a disgusted look. yes. i walk off. not a care in the world. hmm. i pity all you fools. yes. i'm bad. worse. i have to change back. revert back. bring sexy back. what?

i smoke. yes. took in that disgusting puff. from that bud. yuck. smoking tobacco. paper. yuck. i love it. yes. it took me to places. yes. i admit. i am a heavy smoker. if i'm not smoking, i would think about it. when i am, i would still think about it. yes. thats crazy. its addictive. now i feel like smoking. but. its destroying me. deep inside. chest pains. endless migraines at ends. waking up with this terrible yucky feeling in my mouth. couldn't catch my breath. nose bleeds like a tap. you name it. i've done it. its not something to be proud of. yes. an awful feeling. i know the pros and cons of it. i do. but i just love to taste the forbidden fruit. yes. one thing's for sure. not for a million years i would take a sip of alcohol.

i am happy now.

yes.

take me away, ciggie?

i have cancer

2007-04-15T06:35:00.000-07:00

am i hurt? upset? that sense of feeling where you have lost something valuable. no. not a thing. a person. someone. but you pray for it to happen. this situation. this event. though it breaks your heart to see it unfold. you want this to happen. yes. your wish. a genie from a dusty old lamp fulfills it. you smile. a broken one lest be known. putting up a fake front. yes. i'm like my ex girlfriend again. a facade. putting a barrier. not letting anyone in on my true feelings. heck. thats mean. thats lying. not the truth. but do i care?

whats up with girls liking guys with bikes?

i shudder at the thought of being left on the shelf. torn. someone's mistake and i'm suffering. yes. that's hurtful. better yet. plunge a knife deep in my chest. yes. let the blood flows outwardly. that crimson liquid discharging from my once naked chest. that feeling. God. it will make pain looks like a soft toy. but i hold on. yes. i got to. have to. i am suffering. yes. i am hurt. yes. but i am happy. what? yes. happy. that weird feeling spurns my happiness. the greatest thing that could happen to anyone. not winning the lottery. not having to score a milestone of goals. but being happy for someone else. heck. thats better than scoring a straight A's. i'm happy. *smile*

its my mum's birthday today. yes. 50th. would have reach that landmark if she was still alive. yes. she pass away. she's dead. God took her away. i was angry then. very. cos that particular event change my life. significantly. shook the very foundation that i was brought up on. yes. that's how it was for me. i tried to took it on my stride. but i didn't. i can't. no. it was hard. there i was. 17 years of age. with my shorts. shirt. socks. standing before the woman who deliver me into this world. yes. and she's not breathing. none. with her eyes closed. my eyes can shed tears of blood for all it care. but she wont rose up from the bed. yes. she died in her sleep. she was 47 years old. yes. its hard to come to terms with that. i was crying and screaming. an ugly scene, to say the least. i was thrashing everything in sight. my handphone. yes. that poor object was flung. across the room. across the kitchen. people keep calling and asking what happen. heck. i was in the zone. yes. a shitty zone. damn. i apologise. nay. i'm not. i stand by it. i was angry. tired. frustrated. and i had to come home to this. you really think i need to sum up the energy within to explain and apologise how i felt that day? think about it.

many stuffs happen within the last few weeks. i met a girl. a sweet one. she just broken off with her guy. its hard on her. yes. i've been there before. i tried comforting her. yes. i was there listening to her every whims and whams. and she would reciprocate with my endless rants about how it has been between me and my ex. it feels good though. having someone to listen and advice you and all. for once. i felt wanted. crazy. but its fun. we would go out. endless chat on the phone and on msn. watch movies and just plain hanging out to enjoy one another's company. it has been a great moment. then it was switched off.

emptiness

2007-04-07T23:10:00.000-07:00

feeling of lost. deprive of want. hunger. an isolation to the next degree. losing everything. cutting off from the world. yes, thats what i feel. great depths. to a much deeper extend. i miss of being want. miss of being need. miss of being held. miss of being in love. the most intricate feeling one can experience. its a blessing. its a curse. its something to be yearned. love.

watched The Reaping with her. lame-ass opening. gradually the interest builds up. it explodes as a closure. beautifully crafted. magnificent showcase. draggy love story wedge in. its not necessary. but Hillary Swank wasn't that convincing as a sceptic. imagine comparing Science and Religious Plagues. that is so blasphemic. but overall. the twist will throw you off completely. i didn't understand the movie at first. was busy dozing off for a few minutes. tired. lethargic. she told me about it. let me in on the story. explain fully.

the topic turns to supernatural. from religion. Islam, Christianity, Judaism. our basic knowledge and whatnots. interesting. then our stories on ghosts. her experience. her family's. mine. my family. goosebumps began to broke out. hundreds all over my body. how the Bidadari Mrt Station was erected and abandoned. no prize for guessing why it was done so. the Matilda's house. Red House. Blue House. unimaginable apparitions. scary. fear.

i can never understand myself. yes. thats how intricate i m. i am a heavy sleeper. i sleep alot. i can doze off as and when my body shuts down. in theaters. in food courts. in the carpark. while working. below those huge containers. talking on the phone. yes. on the phone. with her most of the time. and she will get pissed. yes. she told me to sleep if i'm tired. but. thats the thing. i don't want to. there's so much i want to say to her that can never wait. and thats that. when she ask me what is it. i will be nervous and start with the "erm..erm..." shit. its disheartening. its typical me. it sucks. hate that feeling. why can't i just say it. why can't i say what i feel. why can't i be clean with it. no answers. floating in the wind. the air. no landing. i can't go down. and never going up.

i am a Monopoly piece. a shoe. a car. an iron. the dice is my cue to move. six faces, different dots. read from the top. do i go to jail? must i pay my doctor's fee? i have to pass go. landing on someone's property will burn my pocket. right through. there's no ending to it. well. got to burn till the competitor gives up. hmm. interesting.

she is my die,
i am a piece.
where she stops,
that's where i'll be.

crazy phasy lazy messy

2007-04-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

i love this moment. i love every minute of it. basking the moment. enjoying to the last drop. if there's any. to the extend that if i have that Adam Sandler's Universal Remote. i would rewind to that moment and watch it unfold again. and again. and again.

went to Secret Recipe to purchase that Oreo Cheesecake. her favourite. i was just trying. giving it a shot. a woman came up to get us seated. she spoke to her in Malay. asking if she could pack the Oreo. the woman look puzzled. i was wondering why. is it her sentence? is it her clothes? is it my clothes? is it our intention? then it dawn on me. "i'm sorry, i don't speak malay." she's a foreigner with a work permit. Philipines or Thailand. that part of me tend to break out. a giggle. no. chuckle. no. laughter. yes. loads of it. bursting out in unison. body shaking. trembling in delight. she turns crimson. bright like a burn skin soak under the sun. a smile. yes. her smile. i was taken in. i was happy. i am happy. still am.

Pizza Hut. the famous pie of Singapore. tasty treats. lip-smacking add ons. yum. an expression of satisfaction. then there's Hui Fen. the girl that served us. there's something innocent about her. that magical cap of hers. shiny nametag. badge to potray her name. her introduction to the world. and her speech. broken nonetheless. still. with good intentions. she ask if she could place our cheesecake in the freezer while we have our meal with no interruption. she was kind. is. her cheesecake. my cheesecake. under her care. her supervision. her freezer. then a waitress came.

a sumptous meal. laid on the white linen table. knife. fork. and a big-ass spoon. for the soup, i think. but we didn't have it. the soup. she hates mushroom. i use to love mushroom. not anymore. it just went outdated. the taste. the smell. the look. its cliche personified.

had our pizza. a platter of add ons. chicken and some rings. onion. fish. two tubes of seasoning. some tartare sauce and tomato. she didn't like the ketchup. chose the sauce. tartare. love it. she loves it. she finish 3/4 of it before it was being taken away. to make way for the main course. the pizza. BBQ chicken supreme. cheesy lavae too. yum. another expression. i took the tartare sauce from that irate waitress and place it near her. the waitress came back with a full tube of tartare sauce. i smile. she blush. a chuckle again. no. not giggle. laughter. yes. hordes of it, this time. almost banging the table. she look away. i continue laughing.

went to watch The Number 23. a thriller. suspense thriller. but wait. Jim's in it. Jim Carrey. the rubberface comedian. i wont spoil it for you loyal avid readers. but one way or another. i was obsessed with numbers once again. drove her half-mad. taxis. stands. the block numbers. time. numbers. everything link. like a chain. she almost cry. i smile. i love it. i love her. yes. i do. but.

irony

2007-03-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

i am not in love.
i can't fall for anyone.
i hate this feeling.
it builds up from the deepest hatred known to mankind.
gradually.
slowly.
emerging.
boiling to the surface like a hot lava.

then i saw your smile.
that glow on your face.
glimmer in your eyes.
your tenderness.
your gentleness.

i trip.
i fell.

i went in.

i love you.

lame

2007-03-26T04:33:00.000-07:00

had a memorable day on Saturday. its like. everything falls into place. well, not all. the place where we normally shoot pools were crowded. what can you expect on a Saturday evening? and Coffee Bean? don't make me start on that place. found the right one. beside Paragon. it was perfect. too perfect. but. the Oreo Cheesecake wasn't there. isnt there. zilch. dammit. she wanted it. i want to try it. how ironic. its times like this that will make me pretty upset. but she kinda make it alright. at least we got to taste that Kuih Doraemon as she nicely put it. she was chocolate, mine was cheese. don't ask me why.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. what can i say about this 4 lovable reptile? i had half-expected this movie to be an average kind of movie with no bite. i was wrong. dead wrong. honestly, in my opinion. the best CGI movie ever produced. (in your face, all you other CGI movies.) me and my cousins has always been debating on who is who. yes. we are kids. i enjoy Michaelangelo's humourous antics. i admire Donatello's intelligence. i was awed by Raphael's Alpha Male persona. but i was most intrigued wit Leonardo's calibre. juggling the role of a leader and big brother to the three turtles. i wonder what will happen if they did have Be-Bop and Rock Steady?

taxi drivers. you love them. you hate them. you hate them so much. there are many complaints about them. and not any good word. funny how someone who devote their time. 6 to 12 hours per day just to drive you to locations at a snap of a finger. with a price. can drive you up the wall. yes, there are inconsiderate few. the degenerate one. who will cut your lane without signalling. stop infront of a traffic light just to clean his glasses. step on the gas as and when he likes it. spewing colourful languages if they are in one of their moods. yes. this is the life. welcome to it. taxi drivers with their attitudes. each time i flag down a cab. each time i felt i was late. each time i felt the need to rush to a certain location. i knew my life will be in their hands. in danger. in heaven. in a place where i least expect. in oblivion. in limbo. yes.

i tried my best to be friendly to them. to be courteous. to be my alter ego. i will start with the ever how are you questions and if they just started the shift. the friendly ones will be polite and reply to my questions with ease. the talkative ones will ran off with that question and ends with something different. its crazy. madness. the shitty ones will just be like the normal ignorant citizens. heck care. bo chap. i don't blame them. few hours into the job and still not enough to pay the day's rent can be pretty disheartening. how i wish it was the passengers driving not them. but i wish too much. wishful thinking.

i miss her. dammit. why God? why i feel for her?

50 cents

2007-03-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

as i crumbled. thinking of the past. future. the present. and the ever-present situation that's been bugging. i came to a conclusion. a sudden one to say the least. nothing's ever perfect. not even my hair. the game i play. the girls i'm chasing. the results of exams that i sat in. nothing's perfect. how i wish it is. everyone will be flying around. up in cloud number nine. getting the best out of everything. how rich. how lame. how pathetic. life can never be that easy. not even being born with a silver spoon in a mouth can escape the trials and tribulations of life. i hate it. i enjoy it. and i love it.

is this it?

2007-03-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

its all her fault. faeza. that 5 letter princess. that weird girl. she did it. she make me confess. make me blurt it out. the things i promise myself never to tell. she got that magic. dammit~! i never thought that i would be saying stuffs to her that i would normally say to someone i adore. yes. i adore her. no. more so. i've fallen for her. her smile. that sweet innocent smile of hers. that sad puppy dog eyes of hers. like a broken pet just emerging from the troubled habitat it had lived for years. it will pierce to any man's soul. it pierce to mine. right in the heart. then i fell.

down this abyss. is this bliss, i told myself. is this what i want, i ponder. i'm falling deep now. down it goes. no assurance of any safety. any rock or stone for me to grip on. nothing. zilch. just falling. its dark. like in a bat's cave. but wheres the opening? the entrance, if i may ask. the end?

we were just friends in the beginning. honestly. its complicated how we are connected. fate can be cruel at times. but this time. it is correct. spot on. the times i shared with her. pool games that i lost. wonderful. though at times kind of pisses me off because i tend to miscue my cue. yes. i suck at pool. but she's not.

i remember that day. on the train platform. she said something that stirs up the jealousy in me. my hulk. yes. not rage. not wrath that ignites the fire deep. but jealousy. yeaps. envy. one of the deadly sins. i can't help it. its like a scratch on your back that you can't reach with your hands. its itchy. and disturbing. just like that. arghhh~! i went up to her. face to face. my right hand on her chin. no. don't. i'm trying to keep it deep inside. don't you say it, Mustafa. please. it will ruin this friendship. arghhh~! i'm gonna take the risk. i don't care. i want to. let whatever happens, happens. i'm not gonna be second best anymore. this is my fate. this is my destiny. all that envy deep inside plus boiling rage and a wave of passion for this girl. love. faeza. i'm on the verge of a cliff. taking the risk. went back a few steps. inhaling deep breaths. one. two. "faeza..."

and the train arrives.

2007-03-19T09:39:00.000-07:00

i am recovering. from sickness. all kinds. the flu. cough. fever. diarrhoea. everything. even from a certain heartache. it cuts deep. deep in my heart. right through my soul. like an asthmatic person who wakes up in the middle of the night. gasping for air. searching for his/her inhaler in the drawer. the dressing table. the whatnots. but it will only go away after a few spray of the degenerate device. your life depends on it. your mojo. your libido. but not this heartache. this is permenant. leaving a scar. hairline scratch. a crack. an open wound. more worse if someone added a pinch of salt over it. the pain. the burning sensation. brings you right back to the asthmatic patient. searching. and all this just vanish. disappeared. the crack. the wound. the pain. the patient. inhaler in different sizes and colours. that damn heartache. when you came to me.

this feelings. i hate to admit it. i don't want to admit it. i tried to avoid it. im the reluctant one. i became that way because i love the wound. the previous wound. that heartache. that memory. that part of me which i am afraid to part. my mind went with Phileas Fogg and Passepartout in a quick tour of the world. confused. dazed. fatigue rears its ugly head. i hate my life.

tick tock

2007-03-15T05:06:00.000-07:00

i need attention.
i crave attention.
i want attention.
i love attention.
i adore attention.
i embrace attention.

the spotlight. the centre of attention. the feeling you get when all the noise around you dies down and you speak out. alone. expressing an opinion. letting others hear you. for a moment there, you're the king. for a moment, you're the focus of the room. the hall. whatever. this is an opportunity. a chance. you crave of it. you think about it when you're alone. practising the speech. the thought. everything. in the bedroom. when you're driving to work. walking to school. eating lunch at the coffeeshop where the uncle who sells you a heaty and oily kway teow overcharge you. rage boiling inside. but none of that matters. this is it. your moment. as you open your mouth to speak, you choked.

that's life.

recently i met this gal. well, gotten to know. she's a nice person. someone who i can talk to. on the phone. face to face. smsing. any way possible. someone special. we do enjoy each other's company. very much to say the lost. erm. i mean, least. :). we chatted for hours on end. seriously. for hours. and dammit. how time flies. real fast. there is always something that is on our mind. well, a few times i timber. pisses her off totally. but she still holds on. woke me up by yelling out my full name. grrr. hate it. hate it when people call me by my full name. i mean. its not that bad. heck, they have a shopping centre named after me. (p.s. this is my blog, i can say whatever shit i want.)

i think she's crazy. and sweet.

New Lease

2007-03-08T05:05:00.000-08:00

everything happens so fast. its like someone just push the fast forward button. press and hold. to the exact moment where they thought it is much sensible. how i wish i could do that in real life. pick up a device and points it and press that unearthly button. how ambitious. how horrible. how ridiculous. the fact that we all are mere actors in this stage of life goes to show how little power we have over the situations that unfolded. yes we have a say. yes we can argue all we want. but as soon as that clock strikes, or the time comes, or when the rooster cockles as a sign for a new day, the show will go on as He planned.

i am not being pessimistic or whatever. i have seen life. the beautiful side. the ugly side. the fucked up side. from different camera views. from different sets of opinions. trying to put myself in their shoes. his shoes. her shoes. see things her way. his way. my way. all ways. but the same scenario will be played all over again lest repeating the same mistakes. its genetics. in the genes, as they say. from our forefathers. from their fathers. and their fathers. in short, the apple doesnt fall that far from the tree.

while old habits die hard, new habits won't be around. its the same situation. you met a girl. you fall in love. you do the lovey dovey thing. promises after promises. how your life change considerably because of her. how you would do anything just to make her smile each day. just remembering those precious moments. that tingkling feeling deep in your stomach whenever you meet her. her smile. that twinkle in her eyes. the smell that never go bad. all of the stuffs she told u. all of the stuffs you told her. gone in a poof. zilch. done. but your heart still waits on her. every single day. waiting. yearning. that moment will come, you told yourself. she will realised how important i am to her. thats the ting. she will never do so. no matter how much you cry, wept, bled, sweat. nothing. old habits die hard.

we need to talk

2006-12-17T01:59:00.000-08:00

i will respect your decision. i will not contact you. i wont call your home anymore.
i will take my broken heart away. i am not blaming you though.
theres "my" decision. "your" decision. "our" decision.
in this case, its "our" decision.

i don't want you to feel guilty that because of your needs, i have to suffer. no. as someone who loves you deeply, i have to make that sacrifice. i have to let go. let you go.

i have to agree. you can never love me so deep. i understand.
but if we were meant to be together, i will gladly accept you back to my life.

for the moment, its best we end this.

(no matter what happens, i will always remember you as the girlfriend that has stood by me through thick and thin. and yes, i do enjoy my time with you.)

please, baby, please.

2006-12-11T04:04:00.000-08:00

yes dear. i do miss you.
i wont budge.
i wont go.
you make me smile when i am angry.
you cheer me up when i am down.
you make me laugh with your slengerness.
you make me feel that theres a female version of me.
you are special to me.
you are making me cry.
haiz.

damn it.

i never feel this lost and lonely without anyone.
come here.
you need me. i need you.

give me a call.

in all seriousness

2006-12-04T06:52:00.000-08:00

in all seriousness,
i really do love you.

its weird.

but yes. i really feel what most guys would feel when they're in love.

i do love you.

i'll be here waiting.

2006-11-30T06:41:00.000-08:00

go on and mend your heart,
pick up those broken pieces.
i will stay right here,
i will be waiting.

for what you ask,
no use for so.
i know you will return,
someday, somehow.

turn back as you left,
give me that glimmer in your eyes.
give me that smile.
give me that look.

on the ledge, i shall sat.
feeling the breeze of the sea.
if your heart wants to be loved again,
go on and with godspeed,
you shall find me.

i'm not that far.

all or nothing? nothing.

2006-11-30T06:23:00.000-08:00

I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize
It's over, over

It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older, older

You know I'd fight for you
But how I can fight
someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you
now I want the best of you
I dont care if that's not fair

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here
with nothing at all

There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart
But I don't show it, show it

And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know it, know it

Don't make me promises
Baby you never did
know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time for show and tell

Chorus

Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
No room inside
for me in your life

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
It's now or never

Chorus x2

we can do it.

2006-11-28T04:02:00.000-08:00

i'm sorry, ziqa,
i just couldnt do it.
but a trial separation,
would be just neat.

every lovers need space,
some time to be alone.
but i'll be here waiting,
just right by the phone.

i can never feel the same,
as the shits that you went.
i will stand by you always,
just holding your hand.

remember when i say then,
i would lighten your load?
this is me doing just that,
honestly, no sugar-coat.

your tears do fell,
wetting that rosy cheeks.
every minute of day,
you tend to grow weak.

pierce deep in my heart,
as blood began to spurt.
i don't blame you at all,
you're just terribly hurt.

i will never let you go,
so you know that i am staying.
we will meet and we'll have fun,
just keep hoping and keep praying.

lastly, you asked me this,
to go and venture other girls.
don't you know you make me happy?
you're the one that change my world.

i still love you.
i wont go. sorry. :).

Haziqa, you hear me?

2006-11-21T06:08:00.000-08:00

quench your thirst for love,
longing for that someone.
appearing without warning,
to give you joy and fun.

i understood you better,
than those other guys.
i came to seize the day,
just to be your Mr Right.

your problems, they're aplenty,
the world just piles it up.
you break down, and you cry,
felt like this huge time warp.

everyone say, "i will listen",
a facade, true to the words.
to sit down and express,
the bad, right down to worst.

no way have you done so,
wore a mask to fend them off.
just to say that you be fine,
what a letdown when you morph.

i can never wipe your tears,
cos i need to see them first.
but if you just kept it hid,
soon or later, you will burst.

like a balloon, you do swell,
to the sky, that you do rise.
filled with hatred and hot air,
escaping from world's vice.

give me bow and some arrow,
don't worry, i mean no harm.
shot you down from up above,
watch you fall right to my arms.

Haziqa

2006-10-20T03:47:00.000-07:00

i m here at my cousin's home. waiting and waiting.

damn paru. the smell so inviting. arghhh~!

end.

met ziqa just now. to commemorate our 5 months anniversary together. i can't believe it. its been that long. i, for once, thought that this relationship will crumble just as it were about to take off. but no. this has been the blissest relationship i had so far. blissest??

the secret to this special recipe-esque of a relationship.
-we met rarely. (2-3 times a week. in a short span of 1-2 hours.)
-we chat on the phone everyday. (but for a few minutes. i noe! not enough.)
-we joke around too much and tease each other endlessly. (i actually believe her when she says the transparent colour cutex is actually white in colour. argh!~)
-whenever our eyes met, we would shy away. (honest~!)
-we love to smell each other. (she would always compliment on my cologne. and i would smell her hair.)
-we always say "I Love You."

Haziqa. My Princess. My Clown. My Love.

fasting month

2006-10-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

fasting month came and in the midst of it now.

haze is getting to me. well, not really. the place look so smoky and cloudy.

end.

am addicted to Ringside's Tired Of Being Sorry. its an electronic pop song. though its not the type of genre that i listen to. have to give credits to Zana.

end.

alot of things happen within the space of these few weeks. shits and lots of shits.

end.

my baby ziqa is really into me. haha. :). man, im so addicted to her right now. i know, i know. kinda mushy. but what can i sae bout someone who really cares bout me and can tahan my attitude and jokes? lol.

wat had happen.

2006-09-18T12:11:00.000-07:00

i am so freaking tired of this.

first and foremost. band news. Bil is finally on his way to get his much anticipated diploma. cheers mate. hopefully, you can stay up later than usual. hehe:P. Fad fits in the band like a glove. as you can see, he is the latest addition to the brotherhood. hope all goes well with his studies too. Shaik is currently serving time at Tekong but got his wisdom tooth hurt in the process. that's gonna hurt when he's singing though. damn~! Shahul is on the path of recovery. his right knee is looking good these days and he got the cheek to walk around without his crutches. what a rebel. lol. am looking forward to buy my own sets of drums by the end of the year. BV took a lot of time preparing for this. hopefully it will be successful in times to come.

my girlfriend. it has been smooth sailing since the last anniversary. oh yah. we are celebrating 4 months on the 19th. how time flies eh? haha. i still can't believe that its already 1/3 of a year. haziqa has been a great companion. always been the punching bag. not literally or anything. its just that, i bully her too long. too much. haha. but she loves it. and i love it too. :). can say that we both have an unusual way of communicating with each other, eh?

lokman and hakim has just entered adulthood by serving time at Jalan Bahtera. 2 years as a CD man. gonna miss them during the weekdays though. well, Hakim's gonna spend loads of time with his fiancee, Maria. Lok is all i'm gonna see. and i don't mind though. haha. he is funny as hell. :).

An Overnight Success.

2006-09-04T03:52:00.000-07:00

woohoo. the overnight at East Coast was a blast! there were ciggies galore. music. and jokes aplenty. hahaha. took lots of pictures to be posted to our frenster profile ala photo whores. hahahaha. i hope i will get the pics updated soon enough.

alrite alrite. lets talk about wat went down on Saturday night. arrive at Woodlands arnd 8 and bought myself a set of earpiece. then met Shahul and Shaik at the interchange and we proceed to take the bus 966 towards Marine Parade. the wait is long but the journey is short. Bil called Hul to let him noe that he has arrived 15 mins into the journey. woohoo~! man, the adrenaline keep pumping time and again. i can't wait to arrive.

met Bil and Yat at the bus stop. and off we went to Burger King to have our super later dinner. the food was good. the mood was better. the company was the best. all 5 of us. 5 different individuals leading different lives. but came together in this special night. to commemorate the togetherness in the group and yah, Shaik's journey towards manhood.

when we arrive there, shortly after ten, we were busy looking for a spot that we could sit and enjoy each other's company. oh well. finally we did. and after everything has been settled, the jokes just rush in. hahaha. had some trashy moments too. like when Hul wants to take gayish pictures in a contradictory manner to all those picture whores in Singapore. namely those with digicam. haha.

the night was so perfect. not once was it spoilt by anything. the most perftectable night for quite some time. haha. i pray to God that it wouldnt rain and that it will last forever. no rain, agreed. forever, nope.

my final say.

2006-08-27T23:36:00.000-07:00

wanna noe my final say? well, hear this.

we have gone through alot together. you could have dropped me anytime. but you didn't.
though you put up an act with that sunny disposition, i didn't regret those moments. it was full of controversies. but we manage to be here. together. i stayed with you when you were doing wrong, so why must i leave you when you starting to do right? breaking up is not an option. there will be no end to it. i will never force you to do what you don't want to. i can never beg you to not leave me. its your own choice. but i'm here. and i'm reaching out my hand. i'm staying and sticking through with you. thats my choice. my final say.

this is not over yet.

iloveyouselenger.

you are not alone.

2006-08-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

this post is for my girlfriend.

another day has gone,
and i am still alone.
how could this be,
you're not here with me.

you never say goodbye,
someone tell me why.
did you have to go,
and leave my world so cold.

everyday i sit and ask myself,
how did love slipped away?
something whispers in my ear and says.

you are not alone.
i am here with you.
though you're far away.
i am here to stay.

you are not alone.
i am here with you.
though we're far apart.
you're always in my heart.

but you're not alone.

just the other night,
i thought i heard you cry.
asking me to come,
to hold you in my arms.

i can hear your prayers,
your burdens i will bear.
but first i need your hand,
then forever can began.

everyday i sit and ask myself,
how did love slipped away?
something whispers in my ears and says.

you are not alone,
i am here with you.
though you're far away,
i am here to stay.

you are not alone,
i am here with you.
though we're far apart,
you're always in my heart.

you are not alone.

whisper three words,
and i'll come running.
and girl, you know that i'll be there.

i'll be there.

you are not alone,
i am here with you.
though you're far away,
i am here to stay.

you are not alone,
i am here with you.
though we're far apart,
you're always in my heart.

you are not alone,
i am here with you.
though you're far away,
i am here to stay.

you are not alone,
i am here with you.
though we're far apart,
you're always in my heart.

you are not alone.

honesty.

2006-08-20T23:07:00.000-07:00

finally, Hakim is now officially engaged to Mariani. cheers to them couple. God bless and may we see you two on the pelamin soon enough.

alot of stuffs happen yesterday during the engagement ceremony and post party. haha. shall not elaborate any more further. those who were there may or may not know. overall, it was a happy occassion where the relatives come together and enjoy themselves silly. i for one thought the party wasn't really complete, if you know what i mean. hmm.

i miss my gf. terribly. i dunnoe. its like. every single time we didnt meet, i would be in this terrible mood where i will brood along or will never carry a conversation. i don't know. its just me i guess. and guess what? my gf and her family will go for another holiday this coming september holidays. i was terribly pissed. not because of my jealousy that her family can afford to go for 2-3 holidays in a year. no. i am pissed because i know i cant contact her for the following few days while she was away. haiz. damn it!

these are the few meanings whenever i do stuffs to my gf. the "=" means the meaning ah. idiots.
1) when i put my arms around your neck = i can't afford to lose you
2) when i kiss your cheek out of the blue = the little surprises in life awaits you
3) when i smell your hair = your presence keeps me alive
4) when i hold your hand = i will always lend a hand when in need
5) when i look you deep in your eyes = i adore you completely

yah, i know. i am crazy over her. but i don't want to be that overbearing, possessive guy. i want to be that caring, loving, understanding guy that she always wanted for so long. i will do my best to rid of all her problems and slowly but surely, help her to move on with life. its a promise.

the day i am created.

2006-08-11T07:39:00.000-07:00

i was so damn bored during work just now that i conjure up a few poems. just for my gf. hmm. came to think of it. i keep writing poems bout her. lets just say i cant take my mind off of her. (eleh! kembang ah tu die!) hahaha.
End.

am watching Home Alone now. haha. thats right. i am frigging bored!!!! argh.
End.

this blog is getting more and more boring. but hey. i am trying my best to spice things up.
End.

i read this joke a couple of days back at my aunt's place. haha. let me try to recall it.
Teacher: Why are you scratching yourself?
Student: 'Cos i'm the only person who knows where it itch.
End.

hahahaha.

torn

2006-08-04T06:23:00.000-07:00

i love my girlfriend.
i really do.

i have to admit.
there are times where i feel like putting my hands around my gf's neck.
and squeezing it tight.
real tight. squeezing the life out of her.

but not this time.

not this gf. hmm. wonder why.

and ya. gt a job at guardian fajar.

what else eh? hmm. seriously ah. im damn bored these days. haiz. all im looking forward is to meet my sayang. thats it. hmm. miss her a lot.

i conceived this story while watching a ghost story.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i tremble as i began to make my way towards the bathroom. the morning breeze swept across the room as the sun began to rose steadily at a far distance. felt my head spin as i began to reach the bathroom. my visions became dark. i drop to the floor.

was really down on my luck when my gf left me for another guy. and its pretty disheartening to know that it was with my classmate. it pretty much messed up my perspective on everyone around me. not even my best friend gets away with it. but he was fine with it. though he wasn't really thrilled whenever i would look at him and question him for the slightest thing. overall he was a fine fella. with a knack of lighting up anything with his trusted zippo lighter.

it was one of those days where the pitter patter of the rain makes you want to sleep the whole day. but the day just started and stretching didn't help at all. look over at my best friend who was busy fiddling with his cell phone and grinning to himself. so there i was. resting my head on the table with my arms closing in on me. a knock was heard on the door. she walked in.

Racial Harmony Day

2006-07-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

surprise her in the morning. sat on the 1st floor steps. waited for about 20 mins. was about to doze off when i heard her voice coming from the lift lobby. haha. so cute. she and her friend were dressed to the nines with their traditional clothings. :). end.

she was shocked to see me there early in the morning. haha. whou wouldn't? ahax. and there i was, calling out to her. "oit!" haha. and she turned and gave me one of the best smile i have seen for a long time. you know. that kind of smile. hahaha. not sarcastic lah! haha. a smile that would melt the hardest heart. yeah. you know what i mean. ;). end.

send her off to school for the first time. lots of secondary school kids in traditional clothes there.
when we reach the school gate, i had to do what every guy have to do. when they are not schooling, and the gf is. haiz. salam her and gave her a kiss on her right cheek before i take my leave. man, i'm gonna miss her.

7.30pm
reached at our usual place with Shaik and June. saw her seating on a bench near our sitting place. i was like, "hey, baby!" and i walk towards her. gave her a hug and a kiss on her forehead. haha. was over the moon when we started talking. she with her usual antics. laughing and giggling in between our conversations. end.

arghh! im beginning to fall deeply in love with her. yes. i am. and i can tell that she is too when i look deep into her hazel eyes. man!!!!!! this is the first time she ever fall deeply in love with her boyfriend. am i lucky or am i lucky? :). end.

ya, i noe. i loved girls before. hariana, wahdiah, hidayah. keeping them close to my heart. these 3 ex's of mine whom i really, really love when i was with them. but hey, that was the past. haha. ;). now its just ziqa. ops. i mean ika. hahaha. she hates it when i called her that. seems like im the only person in this side of earth that calls her ziqa. haha. :P. end.

i miss her badly. argh! :(.

musziqa is 2 mths old.

2006-07-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

numero uno,
thats my nick for you.
the girl of my dreams,
till the day it came true.

a pleasure to the eye,
kept close to my heart.
never were a moment,
that'll keep us apart.

trust was the thing,
that kept us together.
we're a team, you see,
braving all weather.

when i put my arms,
around your waist.
warmth began its comfort,
brought a smile to your face.

people hope to God,
when they leap, they fly.
for they'd fall below,
thus, wondering why?

now i'm falling, iqa,
and you alone knew.
one who make me feel,
like flying; is you.

happy anniversary Sayang.

death by death

2006-07-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

norman deserve to be booted out. end.

so erm. im kinda switching sides. with both eastside and westside as my home. to and fro. end.

my slenge told me to wait for her at 3.30. i took a bath at arnd 3. was on my way near our usual place by 3.37. yes i was that precise. (read: orange watch) was waiting. when a group of chinese guys started to make noise. was clearly agitated. but hey. why spoil the mood when my gf is on her way to meet me rite? so there i was sitting on the bench.

beep beep!

a message. and i open it. (read: baby ziqa) she said she will be a bit late. hmm. nvm. understooted. so i waited. 4pm.

beep beep!

her teacher will only release her at 4.20pm. i smile. (not ur usual happy smile.) and i waited. and waited.

beep BeEp!

4.20pm. shes on her way out. and well, my anger subsides. haha. it was all good.

4.35pm. she will be a bit late. i sMiLE@!!!!!!

BeEEP bEEEEPPP!!!!!

5pm. not a soul around. pretty messed up. so there i was waiting.
5 mins later. nothing.
5.10pm. then i saw her smiling from a corner. walking ever so quickly. so cute.

"sorry...." the only thing that came out of her mouth. i stare at her and walk away.

then i told her to sit down at a nearby bench. further from the bench that i have sat for the past an hour and a half!!!!

still had that pissed off face. she was so damn apologetic. can tell that she was very very paisey. i sat near her.......

.....................

.....................

.....................

and gave her a kiss on the cheek. then i smile. :). she was shock. she ask, "arent u angry?"
then i look her in the eye. and i said. "why should i when you are already here?"

(cue: awwwwww from the readers)

hahaha. i know. i maybe pissed y'all. but hey. im a lover AND a fighter. hahaha.

she's the one.

2006-07-09T20:50:00.000-07:00

i hate it when i got mouth ulcers. this is in reference to the time i got three at the same time. and damn it is annoying and painful. i think it happens when i didnt brush my teeth before going to bed. i always does. but on that day, i was just plain lazy and tired ah. haha. well, dolat dikatekan.

watch young & dangerous 5 recently. damn! the action was far jam-packed and more power than the previous one. at least it focus more on Pou-Pee and Banana Skin. too bad the latter died after getting shot in the police station.

its been 4 days since i last saw my gf. and damn i miss her. honestly, i just wanna give her a big warm hug and just stay there for a few good moments. argh! am counting the hours.

lu mana punya? = excuse me, where you from?

2006-07-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

here i am at home. honestly, i am indulging in life at the moment. got a great band. a blissful life before national service. and last but not least, a wonderful gal by my side who cheers me up when i am down. :).

spend half a day at changi beach. taking in the sea air. and watching the most beautiful sunset ever. seriously, all you couples out there should do that once in awhile. i mean. sitting on the beach. with your loved one in your arms. saying sweet nothings to her ears. oh god! im beginning to be more and more romantic. argh! erm. moving on.

i got nothing else to say.

rooting for an Italy World Cup Victory.

my name is Mus.

her poem leaves me breathless

2006-06-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

she told me she got something to say.

i waited with bated breath.

she shy away claiming that it was embarassing.

i laugh.

she wrote me a poem.

expressing what she feels for me.

deep down i knew.

she's beginning to fall for me. like i promised.

i love you, haziqa.

when can i see you again?

god, i miss you so.

fucked up day ends with a bang

2006-06-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

by far, the worst day ever. i'm not in liberty to say wat happen. but all those who were involved will know what happen. damn those ppl!

3 chinese guys step the line at town today. got the beating of their life. haha. Man Jebat took an umbrella and whack 2 of them on their mouths. haha. one of them was on the verge of crying when Bone punch him. i was giggling the whole damn time.

to my sayang, thanx for not perah my minyak. thanx for being patient. thanx for being caring. thanx for being there when i need you. thanx for ur slengeness. thanx for being you. i love you all the same ya.

yeah!

2006-06-18T02:14:00.000-07:00

finally, got my new haircut done. haha. man, its so nice. k.

she got a wedding function this whole weekend. hmm. miss her. aiyah! rindu sama lu ah slenge!

haha. she hates it when i call her that. but hey, its better than being all too mushy. well, i dun really noe ah. haha. we tok for almost 3 hours on the phone yesterday morning. fuh! but our record still stands at 5 hours. shhhh!

haha. am disgusted with Singaporean. some of them try to be ignorant. some of them try to be irresponsible. and some are just plain annoying. no pun intended. sitting on the bus recently, and this woman was sitting beside me. she was leaning towards me all the way. throughout the expressway. n when the bus has reached the depot, she don't want to wake up. argh! i tried reviving her. but she wont budge. so i say, "eh, Halor!" then, she woke up with that paisey look on her face. i mean c'mon ah. argh!!!

eh slenge, if u r reading this. i wanna say i really miss u ah k? pls call me. wanna hear ur voice. thank u.

haziqa

2006-06-13T03:00:00.000-07:00

honestly, i m beginning to realise how much she mean to me.

she got the same notebook that i had for poems.

we both love poetry so much.

i adore her sweet laughter.

those big brown eyes.

those times spent talking on the phone.

and when i look her deep into her eyes.

stealing those light kisses on her cheeks.

the warm hug we shared.

it all comes down to only one thing.

she is my everything.

i love you, Nur Haziqa.

for my brother

2006-06-13T02:40:00.000-07:00

Yo..I dont know whats goin on but I do know one thing..
you gotta make it right..aight

Man whats goin on wit you
Why you treat her like ya do
When you know the girl is all about you..
tell me
Why you always lose ya head
Should find a betta way to handle it
You need to stop this game before you mess around and lose
(Im just tryna help you)

What A Girl Wants
what a girl wants
What a girl needs
What a girl wants
What a girl needs
A guy to be there for her
What a girl needs
What a girl wants
What a girl needs
What a girl wants
Honesty, Love and a friend

You always comin down on her
Why?
Using all the foul words
Why?
When you know that she'll do anything for you
tell me
Why you always lie to her
And doin things she dont deserve
Man if you dont stop then she'll end up leaving you
(Im just tryin to help you..I know what)

What a girl wants
What a girl needs
What a girl wants
What a girl needs
A guy to be there for her
What a girl needs
What a girl wants
What a girl needs
What a girl wants
Honesty, Love and a Friend

You dont know what ya got
Till its gone
And you left
All alone
And she'll be up and out the door
And I'll be right there to say I told you so
No more you had your chance
Take a hike
Shoulda been a man
Now she's gone
All because you were doin wrong

Shoulda listened to me

her 16th birthday

2006-06-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

something special happened.

i have to update later.

but interestingly.

i love her more each day.

she wrote me a poem. i wrote her a poem.

we both laugh and melt in each other's arms.

let's just say, i felt on top of the world.

i miss Haziqa

2006-06-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

now is day four.

without Haziqa by my side.

am looking forward to her coming home now.

haiz. man, im down. need her by my side.

you're gone, too long,
four days it may seem.
just counting the days,
feels like eternity.

come home to me,
hasten the ride.
God, i miss you dear,
i need you by my side.

watched Singapore Idol. got a crush on Rahimah Rahim. haha. she's cute. gt her pic on my wallpaper. :P.

"..marilah kita berdua.. dengar hati kan gumbira.."

Sing a Simple Song

2006-05-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

hell yeah. she says i got a nice voice. woohoo! haha. sang to her a song called "Hasrat" on the phone. and i can literally felt her melting away on the other line. hahaa. i was shy, as always. but hey, when u got to sing, u got to sing rite?

haha. she is having her o level mother tongue right now. hmm. hopefully she is doing well.

i just am pissed with the way the mind works for some people. they wish that everything will be alright. i mean, you are faced with a fork road every now and then and you need to choose the path. and the choice u make will determined how fucked up your journey's gonna be. no pun intended. and while enduring all those fucked up shit that is thrown at you, one tend to be an idiot and start blaming everything except oneself. i mean. c'mon ah. for god's sake. be responsible ah.

anyways, am looking forward to watching the Omen with iqa. woohoo. on her bday summore. well, hope it will be very scary. gt a penchant for scary movies. hehe. :).

los lonely BOY

2006-05-25T22:23:00.000-07:00

am listening to Delinquent Habit's 'Return of the Tres'. man, the beat is dope. wit a capital "D". haha. but shaik says the song sucks. hmm. bully for him then.

seems like my gf just disappear without a trace liao. haha. couldnt find her. well, guess shes at sch now. studying n revising for her upcoming o level mt paper on monday. to all of u who is taking that particular paper. heres my advice to u. Study Hard. ;).

nothing much happen. but that particular lecturer from NYP really gets to me. she got the cheek to tell me to miss my friday prayers just for her lesson. Screw her ah! well, who would wanna anyway. hahaha.

babygerl, i miss u. freaking light house ah!

Hasrat

2006-05-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

didn't noe my gf love the song Hasrat as much as i do. haha. she's cute lah. :P. looking forward to meeting you after your exams. ahax. and ya. please study hard. before your vacation. ;).

many things happen these couple of weeks. hmm. where do i start ya?

school? was slacking all the way. what am i doing? mus! wake up! get that f'ing diploma. argh.

*bleahx*

watched Jannah's performance last night. aww. she's so sweet in that white dress of hers. hehe. and, in her words, "3 inch thick make up" didn't spoil her already beautiful face. awwww. hahaha. though i didn't understand the dance, with the books being thrown to the floor and candles being carried, i must say that the whole evening is pretty much enjoyable. ahahax. thumbs up to Jannah *wink* but thumbs down to the P.A. system. yuck!

hmmm. ape lagi eh. oh yah. waiting for Jun to msg me to teach her maths. she hasn't been performing well for it. in need of my help. well, im waiting ya. hahaha. just msg me, and i'll be there. hahaha.

oh yah. bought a flat top cap in Malaysia. 29 ringgit. if convert to dollars, will be arnd 13 bucks. haha. quite cheap. i noe. anyways, i look cute in it. ahax. oh yah. that day bought Lucky Strike softpack no filters. fuhyoooh! that is heaven ah. hahaha. cost only 7.30 ringgit. man, i love MAlaysia!!! arghhhh. ahax.

got my eyes set on the US Army green jacket. but shaik told me to think about it cos this guy, Wang Lee Hom, wears it with a lot of badges. kirekan, dia revolutionise that jacket ah. hahaha. told shaik, "Screw him ah! im buying it!" now thats GANGSTA!

lastly, wanna say sth to my ex, hidayah and wahdiah, if u r reading this:

(Nur Wahdiah Bte Mohamed Safit) [24/01/2003-05/12/2003]
its been a wonderful ride for us. although we spend much of our time via MSN and not meeting up, i kinda feel like we got connected. the fights we gone through (hell yeah i remember!), and the good times too. but hey, all of that is water under the bridge ya. hope this new chapter in our life as friends will be much better and not be plagued by fights and what not, ya. ;).

(Nur Hidayah Bte Abdul Razak) [02/10/2004-19/01/2006]
thanks for the past year and few months that we were together. we had our good times and bad. i will always remember you cos you are willing to sacrifice yourself for me. i never try to be that perfect guy for you. its beyond my reach. but i did go the distance and prove that you can count on me in times of need. i'm gonna miss your family. your mom especially. take care of yourself. i will always cherish you.

she don't know

2006-05-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

i have to do it.

she don't know.

but this is the only way.

i'm sorry.

nice song. nice vid.

2006-05-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

bills overdue.

no werk.

hate school.

piss off with everything that moves.

jamming session with PMS tomorrow.

can't wait.

in need of cash.

Mus will survive.

guess

2006-04-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

one goes down, one goes up.

~Mustafa Rased~

Mustopia Mustopia

2006-04-07T15:39:00.000-07:00

im here sitting at home,
felt the blood come dripping.
it oozes with such lust,
that my heart is weeping.

the blade sharp as it is,
glimmered brightly for once.
crimson blood has bathed,
bursting forth to the sun.

how could you be so mean?
you said that you are stressed.
but i was there to comfort,
by neglecting my rest.

i noe i can't say i love you,
cause words can never please.
now i began to show,
but still ignorance is a bliss.

you can hate me all you want,
'cos an error just occurred.
just don't hate me when im right,
now lets just see who's the jerk.

you claim people run your life,
f.y.i. my little friend.
your mum and sis blacklist the guy,
you're the one who start the trend.

who the first to get the boot?
well i guess you know that guy.
appearing negative to you,
the one who loves you more than life.

you want an understanding guy,
who will love and cherish you.
why are you being so naive,
'cos you know that's not true.

are you really that caring?
to try to understand the other?
let me tell you this small fact,
because i noe you won't bother.

you want happiness, see,
and none of that sadness.
once the ride began to dip,
and so does your interest.

there's a guy who really does,
will took a bullet just for you.
his love was great and pure,
his intuition says its true.

he don't own a bike,
nor any vehicles too.
but for you he walked,
a thousand miles or two.

his gifts are plain pathetic,
can never match those lards.
but what good is a gift,
if its not from the heart?

he felt such utter regret,
when you both did go out.
but the look on your face,
calm the guy that he sought.

he loves your family,
parents and both sis.
because of their love,
makes him wish that its his.

you have to understand,
that this guy is persistant.
but your actions towards him,
might end his existence.

Mustafa Rased
(04.11.1986-08.04.2006)

Bus Drivers

2006-04-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

was on my way home from jurong point. took 178 to woodlands. then, 161 to hougang. and something weird infront of me caught my eye. me n din was seating on the upper deck of 161. the last row. and theres this writing on the seat infront of me. "Stop Vandalising This Seat. yours faithfully, the bus driver."

Mustopia

2006-04-04T03:59:00.000-07:00

i hate this world. going off to my world.

Mustopia.

im tad confused.

2006-01-04T00:18:00.000-08:00

i got a lot on my mind. there are many things that has happened for the past few months. first things first. me and my girlfriend.

it has been a rocky road for both of us. i can't deny the fact that at times i am abit jealous with her attitude towards her Mirc and Msn friends. don't get me wrong. im not the jealous type. but at times, you need to be THE MAN and step in. hmm. well, to cut the story short, everything is all peachy now. :D.

studies. hahaha. i am close to getting kicked. i mean. i have lost interest already. argh! yeaps. but i wont give up. like they say, it aint over till the fat lady sings right? ahha. i believe shes about to start her encore. ahax.

next up. Hypnotize. yeash! finally got that album on 28/11/2004. haha. an excellent album from the amazing System of a Down. hahaha. let me run through the list of the songs.

1) Attack (9/10) - reminds me of BYOB. the heavy guitar riffs are so damn super that it got me hooked. a wonderful way to open the album.
2) Dreaming (9/10) - i love the way Sarj and Daron synchronised their voices in unison. well, this isnt the only song they will be doing that. overall, i love the catchy verse: "Dreaming, of screaming."
3) Kill Rock & Roll (8/10) - as i heard the intro, i didn't expect the crazy riffs to follow. haha. abit too short. but. what can i say. haha. when Daron said the phrase,"when i kill rock and roll!", seems to me that he enjoys it. cheers to that.
4) Hypnotize (10/10) - haha. sorry. have to give full marks for this outstanding song. yesh. the remarkable intro, plus the catchy chorus completes the jungle thumping solo in the middle of the song. kudos to SOAD.
5) Stealing Society (9/10) - honestly, when i listen to this song. the first group that came to mind is non other than the beach boys. hahaha. yeaps. but not untill the part where the verse follow: "midnight...fist fight...looking for a mother that will get me high...just a stupid motherfucker if i die i die..." hahahaha. the drums were crazy and so were the lyrics.
6) Tentative (10/10) - arguably one of the finest piece ever written by Daron. although its the Daron's typical heavy guitar riffs, John's complex drumbeats, Shavo's idiotic dance moves, Sarj's booming vocals, its the lyrics that stole the show. "we're going down, in a spiral to the ground." overall, one of my personal favourite.
7) U-Fig (7/10) - what were they thinking? oh gosh! but the vocals were done awesomely. and the drums? well, John Doe's the man.
8) Holy Mountains (10/10) - reminds me of Aerials. similar in every way till the outro. but, what makes this song different is the fact that it became upbeat after the first two verse. "they have return. resting on a mountain site. we have learn. that you have no." now this is the part where i love the most. hehe. excellent song.
9) Vicinity of Obscenity (8/10) - this is the only song which talks about sex. i mean. with verses like: "Banana, banana, banana, terracotta, banana, terracotta, terracotta pie." hahaha. don't take much guessing. i don't know why but Baom seems to love this song so much. hahaha. maybe cos of the funk-inspired chorus? or the fact that it has some ridiculously funny lyrics in them.
10) Shes Like Heroien (8/10) - when i listen to the verse, the song that came to my mind. Dr Demento's Monster Mash. hahaa. i mean. seriously. thats the one and only song that have a ring to this song. hahaha. damn funny shit. but too bad i dislike it so much.
11) Lonely Day (8/10) - i thought SOAD has the Green Day fever as i listen carefully to this song. hahaha. i read somewhere that this was Daron's thing and he had to let it out of him. and so, this song was produced. haha. what can i say. Daron has a soft side to him too yeah. haha.
12) Soldier Side (11/10) - hahahaha. yeaps. you guessed it. my favourite song of the album. ironically, its the last song of the album. haha. i almost cried listening to this song. the mood there was so damn melancholy and damn touching man. argh! solid piece. "they were crying when their sons left, God is wearing black. he's gone so far to find a hope, he's never coming back. they were crying when their songs left, all young men must go. he's gone so far to find the truth, he's never coming home."

wooohoo. damn! anyways, i just wanna let u all noe that i wont blog again for the time being. alot of shits going on in life and am not gonna share it with u all yet. but. will do soon. ;). oh yeah. one more thing. i got a haircut. like Chicken from Born to be King. the Chan Ho Nam movie i got write before mah. hahaha. like a pineapple. ;).

another hiatus.

2005-11-17T10:32:00.000-08:00

yes, dear readers. im going to another hiatus.

hope this wont last long.

my com's Net is down. everything is down.

and theres a hole in my pocket.

so sad so sad.

but i'm still 19.

and my motorcycle licence is but a few steps away.

KR! here i come!

indespensable

2005-10-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

i'm not the man,
who make you smile.
i can't do much,
for you, i run a mile.

i don't buy you flowers,
or gifts of any kinds.
each time i hug you,
i'm up on cloud nine.

romantic i'm not,
i don't do mushy things.
but the passion inside,
floats me up like wings.

the day you leave,
will come soon or late.
i have no regrets,
i have faith in fate.

my undying love,
keeps growing inside.
for the one year we had,
you're the key to my life.

Loc Dog and Ashtray

2005-10-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

im back. well, haven been updating for a month or so.

yeaps. a lot of shit has been going down.

muszyah is officially one year old. hehe. :D. hit that mark.

ramadhan is finally here. well, not that psyched up actually for Hari Raya. i mean, with all those shopping for the clothes, foods (kuih especially), footwear and all. hmm. all im looking forward is the kueh tat. pineapple tarts to the non-malays. anyways, this is the month where the supposedly ghouls and evils are locked up in hell. i can hear some yippee from y'all. lol.

saw this small video clip of a woman being possessed by a djinn at Brunei. you guys shld watch that at night. alone. man, that will freak your shit. haha.

Liu Xing Hua Yuan a.k.a. Meteor Garden

2005-09-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

you must be wondering. oh i can hear you wondering deep in your heart there. what's with the title you say. yes. i enjoy the show thoroughly. every single episode warms my heart as the leader Daoming Si tries to woo the ever-so-fiesty Shancai with his childish behaviour(read expressing love) and manly charm. i mean, this guy got it all made. born with a silver spoon stuck up his mouth. better yet. stuck up all the holes in his body. damn big house. an heir to daddy's massive empire. in short, he aint short on bread.

but one thing that he longs for all this years is a companion. can you believe it? living in a huge mansion with nobody but his servants. and where are his family, you ask. parents are out of town and rarely visits him. even his only sister shifted to Beverly Hills after marrying a rich man. woah! this family got the Gs man.

anyways, back to the main plot. yeas. i enjoy the show. but. i didn't know someone who would enjoy it more! lol. besides those screaming fans, of course. its non other than my boo. my bucuk. my smelly bucket of love. lol. my girlfriend. can you believe it? watched all 8 episodes, an hour per episode, within a day. and i believe she is watching it as i type this. lol. she doesn't want to talk to me on the phone just to concentrate on that show. haha. man!

haha. moving on. haiz. was suppose to go jamming yesterday. man. was seriously looking forward to it. didn't really concentrate on my work the day before. lol. was just imagining the toms and snares and those filthy cymbals were placed in front of me while i knock the living hell out of it. lol. argh@! but my spirits were dampen. haiz. but no worries. theres always another time. :D.

fuck this computer

2005-08-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

sial! something wrong with my blog! argh!

Pop Ye Ye!

2005-08-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

u guessed it. am hearing the song while typing this. haha. i like the rhythm. very much. haha. those Ruffedge basterds have such smooth voices. trust me. their harmony is as tight as a kitten stuck in a seweage pipe. haha. nice!

been having sleptovers from Lokman on Wednesday and Thursday. i return the favour on Friday. haha. takde keje ah. :P. anyways, was planning to have a soccer training on this coming Sunday. i don't think im gonna be able to make it. reason? am working the afternoon shift from 3 till 11 at night. and theres school the day after. how sweet is my life? :D.

am contemplating on quitting school liao. yeaps. has been on my mind for a few weeks now. what with the situation i am having right now. the problems with my dad and all. that bastard expects me to tanggung diri sendiri. aiyoh! this is fucked up! hmm. so i guess i shld just quit school and focus on my own upbringing then. eh? :D.

oh yah! got back my object oriented design and programming test i took a week before the term break. woohoo! guess how much i got? 72!!!!! yeeehaa!!! well, suppose to be 78 ah. but damn that Valerie. she didn't mark the last page for me. so i thought she gonna add more marks, instead, she minus them. argh!!! 6 marks gone from asking this line, "Cher, you didn't mark this page." damn it! its gonna haunt me for awhile. haha. but what the hell, i enjoy the module so much. hehe. yeaps. Java 2. i noe. i think its topsy turvy in my world. i currently loves Java and i presently HATE Maths. ahahah. yeaps. those freaking lecturers who expect us to noe A Maths by heart. (yeah right! kiss my grits!) argh!

i can't stop thinking of her. hmm. i don't think this is lovesick ah. but, each time i am in my usual daze where i shut out the whole world just to have a little me time, i would picture her in my mind. hmm. im in no state of denial when i say that i really do love this gal. argh! am i? or am i just overreacting? hmm. nah! can't be. wait. hmm. yeah. i love her very very much. :D. come here you Super JM Gal!!!! hehehehehehehehehe. muacksz@!

i love Nur Hidayah Bte Abdul Razak.

2005-08-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

yeah. so here i am. writing and updating my blog. damn. tomorrow's my maths common test paper. argh! im not prepared. mentally nor physically. i just hope i can scrape through. haiz.

i mean seriously. i have not even bought the book yet. seems like i dun give a shit bout this thing. argh. i dun wanna fail. i dun wanna study. now i dunnoe wats my priority. haiz. shit feelings. now i am feeling so fucked up.

i have an option. i can either start studying up with the materials i have and some of marvin's hints. or. i can just fuck this up and let nature do its best to please me. haiz. God, give me a sign!

wait. i can't just depend on HIM for everything. i mean yeah. HE is not the one who will be taking this paper. HE wont be crashing HIS brain over this maths formulaes. hmm. this is all me. i have to do this on my own. nothing and i mean nothing is gonna help me. i have to study and burn the midnight oil. hmm. im not gonna fail. yeah. im not gonna fail. im gonna pass this fucking semester. and im gonna do it now. yeah. starting from now.

argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways, haha. finally let it out. hmm. k. recently celebrate my girlfriend's birthday. hehe. bought her a ring. yeap. and have it engraved: "I Love Thee". a nod to the Baz Luhrmann's movie, 'William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet'. ;). i dunnoe ah but. haha. i just love that present. although its quite big for her ring finger. ahahahah. oh yah. its a pair of rings. one for her, and one for me. :D. now thats a couple. haha.

went out and watch Fantastic Four on her bday. well. i dun really believe its quite a Fantastic day for us though. hmm. oh well. a few days forward, and theres our anniversary. yeaps. our 10 months together. i still dun believe it. haha.

yeaps. 10 months. a week of courtship before shes mine. and now we are on the home stretch. ahax. 2 more months and we have been together for a year. wow.

i love hidayah. yeaps.
i love hidayah. weee.
i love hidayah. yum2!
i love hidayah. yahoo!

confused.

2005-07-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

the tears you wept,
the pain you endure.
all the time,i hurt you more.

the scars that left,
slicing and dicing.
blade in my hand, stab on my wings.

this fear. erupts.
this wrath. boils up.
your pain. so deep.
this love. so real.

my heart, longs for you.
my heart, bleeds for you.

undo, this pain.
undo, this pain.
undo, this pain.
undo, this pain.....

so watcha think? nice verse eh? hehe. wrote it the night before. quite proud of it. but not complete yet. hmm. shld add more fear and pain to it. wat u guys think? :D.

now i am totally blur. should i? or must i cut my hair? i mean. it now begins to look nicer than i expected. damn! and i am contemplating on whether to cut or not. that is THE question! haiz. im just scared that it wont look nice. i mean. my face. argh! but i have been having bald haircut since i was 6 months. haha. must i really care? i got a cap. :D.

oh yeah. u guys should listen to Revenga and Radio/Video by System of a Down. hahaha. downright wonderful sak! i mean. totally brilliant. haha. *salute to SOAD*. go ahead and download it. you will know wat i mean. :P.

went jamming with my cousins minus Aby Noh. i dun really noe where that critter went. for all i noe, he have soccer practice or busy block-shopping. hmm. damn him. anyways, we played Needles first. quite atrocious actually cos it has been quite some time since i jam. and my drumming seems to be lost somewhere in the song. hahaha. but i make it up with Psycho. woohoo. it was smooth sailing. well, not untill the solo. Yahya couldn't nail it. hahahaha. guess he forgot about it at the end. ahax.

played New Born. i have to admit. wasn't one of my best performance so far that day. but did got that wee drum solo bit right before the eventual guitar solo. woohoo. finally, Yahya pulls it off with a bit of impromptu. nice. ahax. oh yah! before that. haha. Baem wanted to record his playing of the New Born intro on the keyboard itself and as it turns out, something weird came out. hahaha. trust me. you wouldn't wanna noe. ahahaha. :P. we did our own rendition of MCR's Helena. im proud of that song cos i manage to hit it with confidence. ahax. yeaps. me on drums, Yahya on guitar, Lok, Hak and Baem on the mikes, this is heaven for Helena. hahahaha. i tried playing guitar for Chop Suey! and exchange the drums with Yahya. hahaha. Baem, Lok, Hak try to sang it. but were laughing uncontrollably from the "Father! Father" bit. hahaha. it was hilarious to see Yahya do the gore with his voice. hahaha.

by far, the best song that we jam was Needles. that was part 2. it was incredible. trust me. im surprised myself. ;).

anyways, can't wait for the next jamming session. haha.

i dunnoe wat to get her. seriously. i have been wanting to buy this pair of couple's rings and have it engraved. mine would read, "Hidayah". and hers would read, "Mustafa". nice? hmm. still on the 1st draft of her gift. wat women wants? comments anyone?

2005-07-17T23:41:00.000-07:00

is it a wise move? to bang and hit my monitor? hmm. well, thats basically the first thing i did each time i switch on my com. yeaps. this sucka is acting up again. yes. again. it happens almost everytime i switch it on. no matter what i did. it will start to show this screen that you just wanna whack it nice. argh! i dont really know the main prob is. but all i noe, is that my sinus problem and my sneezing doesn't help much while i do those fucking things. argh!! damn u!!

werk was normal. nothing much happened. except for some smart-ass customers, and some really annoying ones. that just sums up my werking life. seeing oddballs buying all sorts of garbage that they don't really need. splurging on stuffs. not realizing the thickness of their wallets after a spree. yeaps. there are those who pays by cards and shits. envy those filthy, rich bastards. argh!!! besides my NETS ATM card, i wish to see my name on a different card for a change. those American Express, or that small credit card. tiny shits. argh.

here i am bitching bout this, and my object-oriented design test is upon me. one and half hours of it all. from 3pm. argh! dunnoe if i can crash my brain hard for this. hmm. at least i noe sum of it. hope it will make a difference. no matter how small it is. hehe. i hope i got a decent grade for this. i cant afford to retake this module again. arghhhhhh.

just read the newspaper today. can u imagine this people who turns up at Hong Mei's and Huang Na's funeral are just there for the money? i mean. not directly. but indirectly. numbers. yeaps. 4-Digits to be exact. tsk3. i hope my funeral will be a close-door affair. haha. that will be something. ahax.

damn those incredible tales advertisements!!!!!!!!!! shows up in the middle of the night!!! when i was chilling or making my bed, or worst, just channel surfing, it appears. yeaps. smack dab on the tv screen. the images are not that scary. but the sounds. argh!!!!!!! damn u channel 5!!!!!

contemplating on boycotting channel 5. who's with me?

Meet The Parents

2005-07-16T01:45:00.000-07:00

im back from Al-Ameen. reach home around 1.20. Abg Hafidz send me with his KR. and yeas. i am applying for motorcycle license. haha. wee!! i can't wait. dont really care if my dad objects my decision. its mine to make by the way. ahax.

anyways, the real story is. jeng jeng! my gf's parents invite me for a late supper at Al-Ameen. i was shocked when yaya col me from her workplace to get ready. i mean. are you serious? haha. so there i was, with my black polo shirt, black & white mesh cap, smart pants and sandals. sitting among her parents, both her elder sisters with their respective boyfriends. ironically, the guys there have a motorcycle except me. i feel so lonely.

damn! im saving up for a lot of stuffs. concessions, books, prepaids, and yes, some cigarattes. i can't remember the last time i bought a pack. hmm. seriously. im in need of some sticks. argh!

im feeling rather under the weather this couple of days. blocked nose + drowsiness + muscle ache + sore throat = one hell of a sickness!!! :D. haha. or maybe, just lovesick?

i miss my dear girlfriend. haiz. haha. im just crazy.

Mustafa In Da House!!!!

2005-07-10T01:54:00.000-07:00

yeaps. im back. but not sure for how long. yeaps. been contemplating on being M.I.A. again. haha. oh well, lets just get this on the way.

im feeling rather fatigue this past few days. my body aching. head spinning. thousands of thoughts have clouded my mind. all i can say is that, im pretty much confused. messed up. and im just scared that i will hurt the ones i love. i really do. haiz. i hope it wont be that worse.

BSB is back. yeaps. the legends. haha. they are finally back. with a hit single, "Incomplete", you might wonder if the boys' quest in capturing the hearts of ladies everywhere is anywhere successful. maybe they haven't yet achieved that. or maybe. just maybe, they are here for good. :D. i wish for the latter.

been listening to B.Y.O.B. for past month or so. haha. System of a Down. the thing that intrigues me bout this 4 Armenien guys, is the fact that, although they are totally different from one another, personality-wise, they make it up with some good, no, great songs. i mean, just listen to B.Y.O.B. although the verse talks about the post-Iraq war and the whatnot, they inject some humour in the chorus. talking about a party. hahaha. B.Y.O.B. can either be Bring Your Own Beer, or Bring Your Own Bomb. compliments both verse and chorus. genius. such utter genius. hahaha.

yes. i enjoy Java Programming. you read it here first. i, Mustafa Rased, am enjoying my time at the lab, doing some Java Programming. damn Valerie Chung. remember this name. when you think of Java, think of her. because of her, i began to have an interest in Java. argh.

am aiming to buy that bass at cash converter. or. maybe, at Davies. either way. haha. saw Iceman last last Friday. but Flint told me that it was gone the day after. becos of that fucking 50% sale. argh!!!! stupid cash. hate it.

im beginning to hate money.

bought almost the entire stock of Young & Dangerous. woohoo. can you believe it? ahax. but missed out on that part 5. in which many thought as the biggest flop. i mean, they are absolutely right. many missing characters. notably Chicken which has been the focus of attention for most of the series. anyways, 1 and 2 is enjoyable, with 3 being phenomenal, 4 quite laidback and 6 ends with a dramatic stand-off.

9 months has passed since the moment shes mine. i have no regrets from that day. 02/10/04. it grows. yeas. my love for her gradually and literally grows. it might sound absurd. but thats just how it went for us. like a flower. it blooms. from shy and coyness, right up to open. i keep telling myself that it is just another infatuation. it will pass. dun worry. but days passed. give it a week, i told myself. it passes. and before i know it, we became one. the following month was a total bliss for us. there might be some rocky situations. but we did manage to came out of it in one piece. i have this philosophy on love, and being in love. it just struck me awkwardly one night. well, here goes. being in love. there are many ways to see it. you might be the one giving it; might be the one taking it; but will never, ever have it. why? cause us humans are too selfish to admit it. yeas. thats right. pride. one of the deadly sins. by not admitting it, our ego swells to an immense proportion that when it gets too much for us to handle, the ones we love will incur our wrath. and thats the way it is in this world.

k. im done.

to my cousin!

2005-05-20T23:51:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, April 26, 2005
On 15 april 2005 7.1o am..my aunt juz passed away..haiz so sad sey..!! dun even get 2 c her 4 the last time..but 2 tell u guyz the truth,it was not so surprising coz we(my family) knew that lungs cancer can't b cured..juz have 2 let go..although we luv her so much juz have 2 learn 2 let go..mayb tuhan lagi syg kan die..wat 2 do...???...ni sume kuase tuhan..she was a very gud aunt indeed..n i knew my uncle n family wld feel very sad..life have 2 go on.....

excerpt from shida's blog.

........................................................................................................................................................................

first post by hidayah.

to my cousin, shida.

i am sorry for your loss in not being able to see our late aunt's body for the last time. and i feel for you. i will tell you, in detail of the morning of 15 April.

my mum was constantly thinking about the deceased on that fateful morning. she tries to forget about it, but it seems to distract her from her morning prayers. both my sis were on a long break from work. i have a bad feeling that morning. indecisive would be the correct word to describe my feelings then. whether to go to school, or stay at home. and yes. i did fought with Mus. (again!) cos he insist on me going to school. but, my mum ordered me not to. hmm. he was disappointed but he understood. he was on his way to his mum's grave too. what happens next, didn't come to a surprise to either one of my family members. your brother left a voicemail message to my Angah's (middle sis) handphone with the news of our aunt's passing. all of us rush to her home immediately.

the entrance

i saw a group of our uncles carrying the corpse to the floor to be kapan. hmm. i sat beside her. looking down on her lifeless body. her face was totally different. then it came upon to me. my aunt is dead. tears began swelling up in my eyes as the thought of this aunt of mine is no longer with us. i fight the tears like the people around me. but i can hear some sobbing in the background. i pray Al Fatehah for her. hoping that she will be somewhere that is peaceful. among all our cousins, only me and my two sisters get to give her our last kiss on her forehead.

im sorry that you couldnt get to see her for the last time. i hope with this first hand account of what happened on that day may ease you. we all are very close to the deceased. and we know how much the pain and suffering that she encounters and experienced lying there on her deathbed. hopefully ALLAH S.W.T. bless her soul. Amin.

2005-05-16T22:06:00.000-07:00

woah! i just saw the Champion's League commercial. and guess wat is the song that was aired together? Blackout by MUSE!!!! hahaha. oh man! i believe that Muse is beginning to be more mainstream then it did a few years back. heard Stockholm Syndrome being played a few months back during the commercial for Mega Movie Monday. haha. and Flint told me that Unintended too were played during a skit on a British comedy show. hahaha. can't wait for their new album. :D!

hmmm. wat to say ah? well, i have nothing much to say though. just counting the days for my pay. yeas!!! my pay. hahaha. woohoo.

oh yah. haiz. wat happened to the football world man! Chelsea won the premiership with their so-called "plastics". damn! and they say, "Money can't buy you happiness." well, Roman shit did prove that line wrong, eh? hmmm. and the buying out of Manchester United Football Club to Malcolm Glazer? aiyoh. dun get too upset lor. just pray that he wont be another Roman shit ah. haha.

speaking of which, i went out with my gf on friday and had a so-called funny incident. well, embarrasing for her ah. hahaha. imagine this. me and her was about to enter the MRT when theres group of people just standing at door. wat the fuck?! and i say loudly, "please move in. theres people out here who wants to get home early to have their dinner. move in." hahaha. well, it fell on deaf ears. but!!! not before i start rambling again to my gf, and saying it much louder this time. "singaporean people these days ah. aiyoh. only care for themselves. never think about others. if like that, how to help each other. all this campaign about helping people that was shown on TV and shit is just plain B.S. ish3. pity sak these people who wants to get home early." hahaha. i think a couple of people actually move in after that so-called speech by yours truly. haha.

simply put. SINGAPOREANS ARE FUCKING KIASU! they will do whatever they can to get the best bargain. people won't admit it, though. and it is certainly NOT a disease. its in our nature actually. can you imagine that there's this one customer who nearly got into a fit at me when i couldn't give him a ten percent discount for a product that he bought? i mean. its only FIFTY FUCKING CENTS!!! DAMN! but i shot him right back with, "sir, i voided that item and now i already gave you that so called 10 percent discount that you really want. so theres no need for you to get into a fit over it. calm down and walk away." hahaha. short, simple, SATISFYING!

Mani Kam, Mani Go

2005-05-10T00:42:00.000-07:00

Mani Kam, Mani Go.

so yeah. haven update this thing for a long time. anyways, got lots to say.

first and foremost. i am officially, pleasantly working part-time at Guardian West Mall. haha. cheers to Dirah. also known as my gf's sister for getting me the job. :D. haha. even if it is "paradise" like wat Jeff said with almost all the staffs are women, its the relaxing kinda job. at first, i was assigned to do many packing jobs. quite tedious at times and confusing!! hahaha. but now. my job is to be the cashier. yeaps. around money. hehe. yum2! ;). and i have done quite a perfect job for that. with a record of no shortage and one excess cash, im a fast learner. hahaha.

secondly, was very busy with work that i have absolute no time for my gf. argh! aint that a shit. hmm. but we did went out on our anniversary. woohoo. 7 months and counting. haha. anyways, she bought me this sweet that i have been keeping in my freezer ever since.

oh yah. got lots of stuffs to buy. i wanna buy the whole collection of Young and Dangerous VCD. not simply because of the action, but also the fact that i am quite fascinated of the triad movies from Hong Kong. haha. yeaps. Ekin Cheng and Jordan Chen is Chan Ho Nam and Chicken personified, respectively.

past few weeks

2005-05-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

it has been set. my mom's first year death anniversary. my dad's wedding on that day. how fucked up is that?

been having lots of fight with her. she wanna cut hair and such. i disapprove of that idea.

but hey, im a clear pass student! and i have a job at Guardian West Mall!

take a look at my result below:

IT1817-MULTIMEDIA COMPUTER
i got a D. 4 points.

IT1825-C PROGRAMMING
i got a D+. 5 points.

IT1826-DATA COMMUNICATIONS & NETWORKING
i got a C. 5 points.

IT1827-DIGITAL ELECTRONICS
i got a C. 4 points.

IT1828-DISCRETE MATHEMATICS
i got a D. 4 points.

IT1829-SEMESTRAL PROJECT 2
i Pass. 5 points.

woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i pass them all. hahahaa. im very happy cum shock myself. :D. yabedabedoo!!!!

mom, i love you. thanx for watching me from up above. god bless your soul.

Happy 1 year death anniversary, mum!

fuck the world.

2005-04-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

so here it is. a week from now. the wedding is set. i have nothing to say to that.

argh!!!

now am listening to Nymphetamine to keep me relax. shld try listening to it some time, peeps. a melodic song with some heavy distortion and pathetic singing by Danny Filth. haha.

just got off the phone with my gf. she seems her normal usual self. she is accompanying her mami to do their usual, monthly groceries shopping. :). miss those times i had with my mami. love you, ibu. :'(.

gonna make another bank book for my another account. damn! lost the book somewhere in this humble abode of mine. argh! 15 bucks go down the drain. dad gave 20 bucks for me to spend it on that damn book. but hey, i still have time till monday. so, i can spend first, and ask for more later. :D:D. cha-ching! haha.

am getting this things after the wedding.
-a pair of new spectacles (with transparent frame)
-new clothes (hoping to get The Strokes shirt)
-get me a couple of caps (love those mesh caps, although it is outdated. but hey, so wat? fuck you!)
-a pair of shoes like the Twins
-more black pants (not jeans, mind you)
-an mp3 player (maybe?)

job-hunter

2005-04-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

haha. didn't noe that i had a blog after a long time of not updating this shit.

anyways, went job hunting with Hul and Shaik. met them at around 10.30 in the morning. they had their meals and Shaik help Hul with his Maths as he had an exam later on during the afternoon. so we sat and chilled till its time to move on to NYP.

met few familiar faces, shake them hands. hahaha.

i miss my yaya so much. i need to hug her close to my arms. cradle her to sleep. smell her breath as she sleeps. run my fingers through her hair. and eventually kiss her on the forehead. God! the more i think about it, the more im falling in love with her.

how sweet it is,
to be love by you.

hahaha. anyways, applied for the Burger King job at Parkway Parade. haha. quite far ah. i noe. but wat to do. im keeping my options open at the moment. i dun mind any job as long as the job is halal. :D.

Young and Dangerous

2005-04-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

just watched Young & Dangerous IV. great movie. although the characters are more laidback than the previous instalments of Young & Dangerous, this doesnt spoil the glitz and glamour of life in the Hung Hing gang. Ekin Cheng is at his best as Chan Ho Nam, with Jordan Cheng as his sidekick/buddy Chicken. man, those guys make bad guys cool!! haha. tried getting the theme song from the Net. hmm. no have! boo-hoo! so anyone who have their theme song, kindly message me and send me the file. :D. thanx ya!

i basically have problem with those who stares at me. lets take KABILANCIAO for example. this fuck thinks that he is the big shot in NYP. well, fuck you! dare to come and confront me on shit. haha! look at you. big eyes, weird dressings, and whats up with those pathetic goatie of yours? you look like some kind of a goat! hahaha. man, i love this. dissing people on my blog. hahaha. but hey, if he did happens to read this, and felt offended, feel free to come and find me in school ya. i am waiting for you, fucker. and if you wanna rumble, i am glad to do so. :D.

alright. went to Wild Wild Wet on the Ea$t5Id3 last Sat. haha. it was wonderful. but not before i kept seeing people who resembles my baby girl. on my left. my right. everywhere. and this one girl pretty much resembles her. well from the back ah. isk3. i was shocked man! i quickly called her up to ask bout her well-beings. she was sick for a few days. down with a sad case of flu, throat pains, ear pains, fever. man! fucking combination! hmm. but she is fine now. not without my TLC. :D.

watsamattawityou?

2005-03-29T21:03:00.000-08:00

how bout it. my second post in two days. hmm. at the moment, i am studying up for my digital electronics. man, i don't know if it is fated or wat, but seems to me that a few people are against my relationship with yaya. haha. so FUCK to you all! :P.

oh yah. speaking of which. i am not gonna limit my blog intake of me and my girlfriend to other people's pleasure. so FUCK to that. this is my blog. and im gonna do wat i wanna do. furthermore, my girlfriend is innocent. she don't know a single thing and here someone just diss her like hell. man! thats totally uncalled for. so FUCK YOU!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HELENA

Long ago
Just like the hearse you died to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on just like a match you start to incinerate
The lives of everyone you knew

And whats the worst to take,
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like a blade you stake
Well I've been holding on tonight

[Chorus]
Whats the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Came a time
When every star fall
brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold

And whats the worst you take,
from every heart you break
And like a blade you stake
Well I've been holding on tonight

[Chorus]
Whats the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Do we deserve
to leave the earth?
Do we learn
When both our cars collide?

[Chorus]
Whats the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

play yourself.

2005-03-28T22:34:00.000-08:00

came to data com. for the first time in that module history, i actually understood wat the elizabeth is babbling about. haha. nice one. came to think of it, finding the shitty subnet address from an i.p. address is very simple. haha. oh yah. didn't saw Marvin today. wonder if he is sick today. ahaha. usually the first person to greet me each time i went inside a lecture theater. haahah.

oh yah. i am wondering. y people these days. mainly the Malay youths ah. they are into this "i hate mats and minahs" thingy. haha. i was like. if all you fucking shitheads were to say that, then who the hell will be the mats and minahs? i mean. think about it. if everyone have this mentality, who would wanna admit that they are mats and minahs? hahaha. i think its a growing trend among us. "if you want to be 'IN', you must not like MATS and MINAHS." hahahah. funny shit.

then theres the studded belts and shit. haha. "punk"? more like "poppish". haha. i mean. if one or two people were to wear it, and matchingly to say the least, then will have the "punk" look. but now? aiyoh. these "TRENDY WANKERS" are abusing the use of those "punk" clothing line. arghh! eventhough i don't listen to "punk rock" music, i still think that Joey Ramone of THE RAMONES fame will literally turn in his grave. ish3.

i will end this here.

wat?

2005-03-21T20:34:00.000-08:00

part two of the chalet thingy.

haha. k. now im back. hopefully, my pics will be loaded perfectly.

http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeBNmTNq2ZOHDw

anyways, on the night when i came. woohoo. me and the boys were out, sharing ghost stories and such. and it so happen that the night were so windy and the trees were moving about wildly to add to the eerie atmosphere we are in. haha. i tell you. the place tend to be quite scary ah. ahaha.

so anyways, we were talking shits when Ahye and Hakim, who happens to sat at the back, felt "something" brush against their back. not to alarm the rest, they kept quiet and Ahye began to play a few songs. all of us then heard feet shuffling on the grass behind us. hahahahaha. man, not one of us turn to look. but Lok did stand up and face us. but he assured us that theres nothing there. then came Farhan. he was talking excitedly about the incident that his friends had while touring the Old Changi Hospital.

after the end of that, he just kept mum and keep looking downwards. not once look up. i was abit curious ah. but he didnt say a thing. well, i take that as a "shut up Mus. dont ask now." hahaha. so we continue our stories. haha. and we suddenly talk about girls and such. haha. funny people ah my cousins.

i pull Farhan one side when we were in the chalet later to relate to me what had just happen. he says that he saw a female lady in a white dress with long flowing hair walking slowly near our chalet, which was a good walking distance from where we are except for the fact that theres two playground on the way. anyways, the figure just walk slowly and stop short near our chalet window and seems to stare at us. i tell u, the hairs on the back of my neck suddenly stand at attention. hahahaha. what makes me nearly jump out of my wits is the fact that the figure began to walk slowly towards us, according to Farhan. haha. :P. but it stop short when we light our cigarettes. fuhyooh! lucky man! thanx you Marlboro Mediums! haha.

the next day, which was on the Thursday, went swimming early in the morning. haha. had a few swimming lessons with Coach Hakim. hahahahaha. thanx dude for the tips! ;). after breakfast, which consists of bread and jam for me, chicken hotdogs for them, get ready for school. well, for Data Communications and Networking ah. stupid module. i have to go, or i will be debarred. how fucked up can it get??? :P.

but hey, she came to meet me. oh wow. i tell u. she looks fucking hot in that tight shirt with a pullover jacket and jeans, complete with her shining red Virgin mobile sling bag. hahaha. she looks nice! ;). haha. anyways, she just accompany me to Tampines. then she took the train home. awwwwwwwwww. thats so sweet. thanx baby! ;). lurp u many many!

man, speaking of which. i miss her. oh wells, gonna watch Spongebob with her tomorrow! woohoo! can't wait.

anyways, to my cousins, love you guys! thanx for the moments we had together. peace out.

should i stay? or should i go?

2005-03-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

a boy and a girl.

K and J.
a boy and his girl.
a girl and her man.
they weren't that peaches and cream.
not the best of friends before.
hate each other's guts.
this is their story.

long time ago. theres K with his gal.
it all went wrong. his gal left K.
J cames in. J walks in.
K wasnt the least interested.

K hates J. K dislike J.
but K still hold on. K finally make peace.
both were the best of friends then.
both continue courtship.

one week later. K realised something.
K felt strange. K wants to let it out.
K felt scared. not before J appears.
K steps up. K admits his love for J.

J accept K. J loves K.
became very close.
met each other's family.
love blossom from day one.

six months later.
K got into an accident.
the hospital couldn't save him.
J cried for K. J wants to be with K.
K didnt reply her pleas.
K close his eyes.

tears running constantly.
she says,
"i will always love you."

so long and goodnight.

2005-03-18T21:00:00.000-08:00

just came back from a 3 days chalet. woohoo. what a blast! it has been one of the most wonderful experience in my life. haha. seriously. the place was just the right one. located within walking distance from the Old Changi Hospital and its right beside the sea. haha. woohooooo!

arrived there on Wednesday evening with Lok, Hak, Bah, Aby, Xiao Bai. we make fun of Xiao Bai's name and ultimately, he became one of us. joking around. fooling around and shits. hahaha. funny bloke. but too bad he didnt stay for the night. would have been fun if he would just stick around longer. ahaha. oh yah. Xiao Bai is Bah's school mate. so there u go!

hmm. nevermind. shall continue the next time. im sleepy.

end of chapter one.

O Happy Day!

2005-03-13T12:03:00.000-08:00

a story of a boy and his dog.

there is a boy. his name is John.
he has a dog. the dog is Lim.
John is 10 and had no friends.
but there will always be Lim.

John go to school on Monday.
Tuesday all the way to Friday.
but Lim will wait. Lim will wait.
Lim is a loyal friend.

both are lonely. both are sad.
John love Lim. Lim love John.
John is happy. Lim is happy.
they play till the day is done.

Lim fall down. Lim coughing.
John got scared. called his mummy.
Lim cough blood. Lim fell asleep.
John thought nothing. John sleep too.

morning came. sun rose up.
John went out. John cry out.
Lim sleep well. Lim sleep tight.
John hug Lim. John fainted.

~Mustafa Rased~

a week of madness

2005-03-06T00:00:00.000-08:00

monday
nick gave me two complimentary movie tickets during data communications lecture. and it was for the movie, Ray. was very grateful to him. i mean. i didn't know that he was that generous. thanks nick! haha. so yah. met up with her after school and we went to see the movie. but not before we gt a free jumbo hot dog. oh god! thank you Allah! hahaha. the show was very draggy but the part that intrigues me is when his mom teach him not to bow down to others and that don't let people look down on him just because he is blind. man, that takes a lot of courage. and to think that he went blind naturally. hmmm. give the movie two thumbs up. :).

tuesday
accompany the boys to Singapore Poly. Hul, Bil, Flint wanted to go to that course, Music and Audio Technology if im not wrong. walk around. fuck a few lecturers. and went to a nearby HDB flats to wait for Flint. oh yah. met Aizat along the way. he was smoking and he called out to me. i didnt recognise him at first but finally manage to make out who he is after squinting my eyes hard. anyways, didn't do much today. met her as usual. and we just do our usual daily routine of chatting and making jokes.

wednesday
our 5 months anniversary. yeap. 5 months. met her when i was suppose to go for Maths lecture. think about it. that fucking Kuanko or lovable Hidayah? who would u rather meet? c'mon. do the math. haha. anyways, drop her off at city hall with her friend, Ayienz. i had to go to Teck's home for my project. quite a lively experience there. on the way back with Eugene, met Christina. haha. she was going for a haircut at Funan. wah! so far. anyways, met her and we both had a special meal together. came to think of it, i began to seriously think about my future with her. i love her. she loves me. and we both compliment each other. we both finish off each other's sentence and just know what the other is feeling. wow. and i can say that it was not all cream and pie when we both started out. perseverance and honesty is the key factor. yeap.

thursday
presentation time! ahax. make a few jokes and the class laugh at my antics. :). Nick intro me this one game. an anime game ah. u have to hit this guy with a bicycle and see how far he landed. the further, the better. haha. had a lot of fun. and everyone seems to be bitten by this "game" bug. ahax. she had a thingy at ITE simei. hmm. great. i wasn't too keen on her performing but i have to be pessimistic. shouldnt control her. let her have her fun. :). like i had mine. haha. so there i was. 9.20pm at Bugis. waiting for the train. and within a few minutes, she came hopping to me from the second last cabin. haha. she look so cute with that Muse jacket. :P. and i told her why i want to fetch her. well. i care for her. enough said? :D.

friday
after school, met her with the boys. then ayienz came. haha. couldn't believe the two girls can tahan with our usual rowdy antics. haha. we talk. and talk. and joke. and roast each other. hahaha. after awhile, the gals went off to their ex-secondary school together. and us? we got nothing to do. no plans. and suddenly. hit upon the idea. jam!!!! hahaha. wonderful right? and we went back to Bil's home and he took his guitar and gadget along. Alvron. oh god! i have nothing to say about the place. a damn fucked up place with fucked up carpet. never gonna jam there again. hmm. lastly, i want to become a vegetarian. yeap.

the old man and his tissues.

2005-02-27T22:10:00.000-08:00

let me see. hmm. i have to consider today as one of the luckiest day to date. went to town with my gerl. it was raining. unusual right? haha. well. saw this one elderly man sitting on the pavement with his tissues. at first i decline his offer for 5 tissues at a price of 1 dollar. after a few times, i took up the offer. haha. was he shocked! he gratefully accepted my 2 bucks and gave me my 1 dollar change. i told him to keep it as i had enough. but he still insist on it. so i smile and accept it. he was ranting about how good a boyfriend i will be to my girlfriend. how i will protect my gerl forever and we will stay as a couple. and if im not wrong, he did say that luck will come my way. i didn't pay any attention to it. mostly because i know that he was happy that someone acknowledge his presence and his tissues. i felt a lift from my chest. and so does yaya. hahaha. man. you wouldn't believe what happen next!

after having our meal at Lucky Plaza's Pizza Hut. we were off to Woodlands but have to make a pit stop at 7 eleven as she wanted to buy a drink. so i waited outside, smoking away. then i received a call from her. i was like, "huh?" and she told me to come quick. i was even more blur. hmmm. so i reluctantly put out my Marlboro stick and went in. i saw that she was picking something off the floor. my eyes widen when i saw that she picked up notes. not any notes. its the kind of notes that you would use to buy stuffs. MONEY!!!! 20 dollars!!!! 2 10 bucks notes to be exact. hahahaha. and with that, we hastenly walked out of the place and enter the underground pass before taking the MRT to woodlands.

talk about our lucky day. hahahaha. and i guess. thats about it.

praying for a D.

2005-02-21T21:29:00.000-08:00

yeap. got MMC just now. argh! can say that i was prepared for it. stayed up till 5am the day before to crash my brain. turns out, it was quite challenging. but i manage to answer all of the questions. well except about the SIMM and the DIMM. haha. moronic assholes.

i hate the idea of people eyeballing me for no apparent reason. c'mon man. its like, do i owe you anything? did i step on ur feet or something? grow up ah. cos this little incidents can lead to much greater stuffs. fights and all. trust me. i've been there, done that. but lately, i have tone down abit. whenever i caught someone staring at me, i will nod and smile at them. haha. its that simple. i felt good. knowing that the person is seething with anger. haha. do the maths. that person is trying to find trouble with you. and when you stare back, you comply with them and in turn will resort to violence from the verbal abuse that will surely being led to. hahaha. so there you go. SMILE!

watched Hide and Seek last saturday. haha. oh man! what a twist. im not gonna spoil the fun for you guys but i can't help the fact that Dakota Fanning, the girl with those big eyes, kept me guessing what she would do next. a promising actress at a tender age of 11. man, shes got talent. you will get shocked at the end of the movie. hahahaha.

i love the fact that i have a girlfriend. i mean, seriously. although i am not aiming for a long-term relationship, i still enjoy the company that comes with it. like. whenever i am down, she was there for me. lifting me high up. encouraging me not to give up and stuffs. let me tell you. she is one committed girl. she have this mentality that i too have. she would not leave me for anything. me too!!! God! thank you so much for our relationship. i would like to take this opportunity to say that i love my girlfriend alot. yeap. definitely a keeper. ;).

sloth

2005-02-16T19:40:00.000-08:00

i'm fucking lazy to update this thingy. argh! oh well!

the past week has been great. had a jamming session with my cousins. played New Born(which was somewhat a routine.), Needles(a lifesaver. haha. if not for this song, that session would have sucked.), Last Resort(intro only.), Smells Like Teen Spirit(went smoothly but cocked up at the end.) and the Lovehunter's song. hahaha.

on the eve of Valentines' Day, went out with her to catch the GK3 movie. haha. funny shit. a malay movie ah. alright ah. a few twists here and there. but one thing's for sure. Sarimah Ibrahim is DAMN HOT!!!!! i dun mean it as an understatement but she got it. wooo. oh yah. haha. had a few silly incidents. she was focusing on the movie and i decided to play a trick on her. haha. her sprite is in this small compartment between us and i happen to slowly pull out the straw from the drink. hahaha. and when the time came for her to take a sip, all this while she never take her eyes off the screen, and began to reach for the straw with her mouth. hahahahahahahahahhaahaha. i laugh at her. and when she realise it, she became embarrased and began biting me. ahahaha. sorry dear. i had to do it. u so cute! ahax. :P.

everything went smoothly. for the rest of the week. hmm. wondering if i can pass that stupid Multimedia Computer common test this coming Monday. hmm. got to go study. :D.

missing my cheeky papaya. :'(.

incredible yet downcasting.

2005-02-10T21:30:00.000-08:00

it happened. i lost it. the ring my mum gave to me. lost it at the Pasir Ris beach i went on Wednesday. dammit! i took it off before playing soccer with my uncles and relatives. and wouldn't you know it. it was gone 2 hours later. damn! i hate this. i was still searching for it when night falls. haiz. i knew that its lost. but i don't want to accept the fact. cos i love it too much. as it had sentimental value. haiz.

speaking of which. had a few pics put up. stupid current. didn't bathe in the sea though. low tide for most of the afternoon. really kills the mood. but thank God that it didn't rain. just plenty of wind. and i mean plenty. fuh!

the pizza that Mak Anjang made. yum!

bring back. oh, bring back. oh bring back my body to me.

aiyoh bah! your card like shit. fold!

[L-R] (Back Row) Aby Noh, Baong, Madir, Ahye. (Front Row) Kim, Ahn, Lok.

to err is human, to forgive divine.

2005-02-05T00:13:00.000-08:00

the girl of my dreams

i miss my yaya,
morning, noon and night.
we had this thing,
that'll make us tight.

she adores me fully,
hugging me at sight.
never want to let go,
her grips are so damn tight.

her giggles lighten my day,
her smile warm my heart.
her kisses melt me through,
till death do us part.

a short poem for you,
the girl that i care for.
i'll always be loving you,
and girl, im here to call.

yeap. went out with her today. haha. 5 days in a row. fuh! God im loving every minute spend with her. hehe. its like. wow. i really hope that i can do this for the rest of my life. yeap. serious. quite interesting ya. :P. hehe.

went to Funan the IT Mall to have our lunch. ate the 9.95 meal. the 2 chicky, one reg whipped potato, one reg coleslaw, one zinger burger and two drinks. had an extra lasagne for her. ahax. she really enjoys eating it liao. hehe. gd gd. :D. dare her to ring the bell. and she did! haha. once she did, i quickly walk away. triggering her annoyance with me. ahahaha.

and she say, "sayaaaannnnngggg!!!!"

hehehe. so off we went to Bugis next. window shop for awhile and i bought this pair of sandals that she thinks look nice. i try it on. not bad. haha. and i browse through the shirt section and i happen to saw this shirt which have brad pitt's picture in it when he was acting in Fight Club. COOOLLL!!!! hahaha. yeap. i bought it too. ;).

wow. now its 12:12 am. 18 wks anniversary. wow. can't believe how long it has been for us.

dear, i love you.
hope we don't have a happy ending.
cos i don't want us to end.

God bless you.

Happy 4 months Anniversary to Muszyah!

2005-02-03T00:13:00.000-08:00

suppose to be yesterday ah. :D.

4 months. equivalent to 123 days. which is 2952 hours. also known as 177120 minutes. or 10627200 seconds.

thats how long i have been with her. yeap. i have gone through up. i have gone through down. together. cloud nine. rock bottom. you name it. we've been through it all. hell and back. blissfull heaven. :). won't trade those fine moments for anything.

a simple sentence means everything.

"I Love You."

that's right. this sentence trigger what may seem to be the most emotional-charged relationship i had. nontheless, am proud of it. ain't gonna worry much bout her. its me that has issues.

talked about it. yes. moving ahead. Hakuna Matata.

Happy 4 Months Anniversary!

Happy Birthday To Benjamin. rock on Shebang! ahax.

i love you.

2005-01-31T18:39:00.000-08:00

haha. im gona keep this short, simple and sweet. i enjoy the day thoroughly. spend it with me yayah. hehe. i promised her a new look. not me, mind you. for her. :D. she wants this style that will have her hair straight from the roots onwards and curls at the end. haha. since i didn't bought her anything special for our last anniversary, this will be it. :D. hehe.

her frens, Elah and PP were there too. oh well. it took her almost an hour to curl it. woo. an amazing feat. ahax. anyways, so there i was, stunned by her new look. but hey. she does look good. hehehe. nice hair, sayang.

went to causeway point where i trick her. told her that i wanted to buy a prezzie for a close fren of mine. a girl, nonetheless. she gt this blank look on her face. haha. urged her to help me find a suitable prezzie. reluctantly, she agreed. haha. i knew that look!!!! :D. anyways, after paying the large Minnie Mouse doll at the cashier, i turn to her and say. "oh yah. that prezzie. is for you." and i smiled. hahahaha. she was shocked. excited. ahax. she hugged me amidst the crowded area. haha. told her to chill and that i have planned that all along. she was all smiles again. no more blank faces. hehe.